The universe seems to insist on always kicking me when I'm starting to get up

Tw for light mention of grooming 

As if I don't have enough on my fucking plate rn. On Saturday night my groomer found me on discord and sent me a friend request. I was very lucky to have been calling my partner when it happened or I'm really not sure how much worse my reaction would have been. I have never felt fear like this in my entire life. You'd think I would've had a worse reaction to the few times my dad randomly reached out to me because he had a much more actively abusive presence in my life and it is technically more likely for him to see me in person than my groomer. Literally could not have cared less about dad he pretty much doesn't exist to me. Not Alex though. I felt so sick like I was gonna throw up, my heart was so fast, my breathing was fast and shakey, and my whole body was shivering worse than when I'm freezing cold. It was a horrific feeling. I also got triggered into my paranoid ideation that he still remembers where I live and that he's gonna come get me, something that started when I broke things off with him and he told me he'd still visit my city regardless of our relationship. The feeling would NOT shake until I took a long walk around the neighborhood armed with a knife to be sure he wasn't there. I tried my hardest to resist the urge to respond but my partner fell asleep and my thoughts were eating me from the inside wondering what he could possibly want with me. I honestly don't know if indulging the thought was the right choice or not. I feel like no matter what I would lose, the response I got is killing me just as much as the not knowing was. 

(He deleted a message here for some reason, he said something along the lines of "however, I was talking to Michael and he brought up your name which led me to check up on what you were up to." Right before the me talking to you stressing you out message)

I'm so fucking pissed. I'm pissed at him because who the FUCK gave you the right to just waltz in here and backtrack my progress so you can feel a bit better about our "wildly different" memories??? I'm pissed at myself because I have worked so hard for so long to move past the fear and the self blame so I can finally process the anger and hatred, so I can FINALLY accept that what he did was wrong, yet the moment he was in front of me again I froze and failed to defend myself. All I did was cower back and let him know I'm broken. I didn't tell him he's a vile shit stain on this earth, I didn't tell him that he did one of the most unforgivable crimes imaginable, I didn't tell him that I'm better and stronger than him and that I will start to thrive again in spite of him. I told him I was scared. God I fucking hate myself almost as much as I hate him. It's always been easier for me to communicate with music and media, which is why I already had a playlist dedicated to him before this even happened. It was for me to process my feelings and I never expected him to see it, but it has a lot of hateful songs on there so it was the closest I was ever gonna get to screaming at him for violating me. This whole week has been excruciatingly long as I've been waiting for my therapy session on Thursday. I'm way too on edge right now because of this and it's exaggerated my mood swings a lot. I've been internally lashing out at pretty much everyone and I've even mildly lashed out externally towards some people as well, including a coworker. To be fair he fucking deserved it but I still should be capable of controlling myself because I really don't want to lose this job. I also broke some things and screamed a lot while I was closing today, thankfully I close alone. The bpd is, in fact, bpd-ing. My biggest fuck you to Alex Varle for being the shittiest human on earth.