Do I continue killing myself or continue living a life of torture

A week without it I was fine 

Yea at first it was hard but I soon was fine

A week sober! My longest time

I don’t even know why I asked for more

I have it again

It’s in my hand and I’m debating 

Should I continue to kill my self

Or live?

I haven’t been a day sober since 2020 

And when I was

Life felt like it’s own high maybe that 

Was the feeling of being sober

And my stomach eating itself but

It was different then being high

So I ask myself again 

Do I continue killing myself

Or live? 

All this doubt cuz Ik deep down I do want to stop 

But with how lifes going I feel like ima need it

Besides you only live once right?