yay /neg (vent)

im just posting this here bc i need somewhere to say those things, i did "the thing" after long and hard 6 months. and i did it twice. thats awful i know, but the worst thing is that made me calm. i dont want to to that anymore but i dont think i will stop so early, i think i need help but i cant look for it. im such a shame

these days im feeling like a trash, idk i feel that people around me dont really want me near them. i cant even be ok with my boyfriend, we always make jokes abt us but i feel his jokes has a lil bit of truth, thats makes me sad but i dont want to make him sad.

he said to me a while ago that if i did "the thing" that i was not the only one to being hurt, but he will be hurt too (feel sad in case), that was TERRIBLE for me, if he see the scars? i dont want to make him sad but i want to talk to him abt that, im such a mess.