need you like water in my lungs

15/10/24

the edge of everything

i can't believe it. i asked for it. i asked for all of this. i got what i wanted. God, there really is some sick irony to my whole life, isn't there? my obsession with film and meticulous detail has led to it bleeding into my reality. references to things no one knows about, cyclical narrative, ridiculous parallels. the most ridiculous things have been happening. but i can't tell anyone cause only i know all the details. but blood sports? really? someone up there has it out for me. 

upon further inspection 

i was wrong. i was feeling detached and it's only just hit me. well actually it hit me 6 days ago when i was sat at the front of that bus and listening to everyone cheer you on and hearing how calm you were and that's when i realised that i'd been lying to myself. and then i began to feel angry. they did not love you. they do not know you 

do i know you? 

was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying, "you didn't know him at all"

and when you fell cause you were messing around and looked up at us, i lied. i wasn't thinking about how you're still fun. i was thinking about how i loved you, love you. i just didn't understand. and i'm sorry 

late night conversations 

i can't believe i'm going through this. i can't believe i'm going through with this. 

i don't know how i'm going to be there with him and not let my mind drift. and he likes me so much and i like him but you're so in my way. how is this fair? 

and what would you have me do? 

it's an impossible situation 

this is a mercy kill. 

this is all i can do. i don't think this will ever get easier. 

you know grey is my favourite colour, i felt so symbolic yesterday 

so you called me up. and i don't know what to do. and i love you and i'm sorry and i'm scared. well i was scared cause it's my fault your voice sounds like that. and you weren't listening and maybe you'd just had a drink or maybe it was the medication. i don't know. but i hate it when you're like that. and i hate it more cause it's my fault. i wonder if they'll ever have that problem. i doubt it. our relationship will never, ever compare to yours with them.

am i a let down?

a disappointment? 

a disgrace? 

and if not, why not? because we both know, if we look deep down inside ourselves, that i am, which means you are because we are the same. i am you before you gave up. "gave up" is wrong. it's more like you couldn't find what you were looking for because you discovered it did not exist 

now i have to find out for myself. 

and that's the great disappointment of the two of us, isn't it? 

that gum you like is going to come back in style 

and now you are sat here as i write and it is wrong but it is right 

and i hope you still see the good in me and i hope you're never this unhappy 

and you wouldn't even get that reference so what's the point? 

hope you're all ok

yours, 

miss misery