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So :>
I’m gonna pretend i know how to blog rn :)
Essentially i don’t know what’s with me. This is me talking about like crushes - people i’ve liked in real life. I’ve only dated one person and it wasn’t really a proper relationship - and i guess you could count a qpr i had but that was shortlived.
It’s been hard for me to label my sexuality - of course i know i don’t have to, but it feels like a part of my identity to me so i choose to. But when i first really started exploring it i identified as bi - then pan - then briefly as gay when i figured out i was trans - then omni - then bi again and then aroace for a bit if you’re wondering how i got there i know some aroace peeps who mistook their attraction to none as attraction to both because 0 and 0 is equal so both. Anyway after a while i gave up - just defining it as whatever the fuck really, I mean at that point i was confused i wasnt exactly bi - I like men (a lot more than i care to admit) whether they’re fem, masc or in between. But then i liked women or androgynous people or non-conforming genders and i was like okay whats up with this because none of those other labels have felt right. Eventually i figured out that i’m attracted to men (fem, masc or whatever) and masculinity in people who arent men
Now onto what i really wanted to talk about. Crushes. I have a tiny issue where if i find out people have a crush on me that means i have to have a crush on them back which has happened with 3 people so far. So thats great. But i had my first ‘real’ crush on someone who i didnt know if they liked me back or not last year and that was fun so. Yeah no i didnt like it, bro heart beats are not fun. Anyway eventully that faded because the person was kinda being douchey - not their fault entirely, we’re good friends now - there was some other asshole who essentially fucked up our whole friendship. And then i had another crush on a friend who didnt like me back. That also faded, not entirely sure why. But then my crush on person #1 came back again - when they started presenting more masculinely - but yeah there’s 0 way in hell we’d ever be a thing. They’re bi-ish but i think they lean more for women. So i gave up on that. Then i found myself with person #2 who i’m still friends with also, just generally thinking they were pretty again. I don’t know. They are i guess. But before we’d always like joke flirt, make inappropriate jokes, and now we don’t, and I don’t know I’m just worried, and one of their socials said ‘my boyfriend’ - but there was nothing more about it and i’m not sure what i feel about that, because if they do, then i’m kinda :( they didnt tell me cuz like we’re friends anyway I don’t know. And I guess i’m glad if theyre happy but i also don’t want it to be true which is selfish af I don’t know. Anywayysysysysysys.
So yeahhhhh I don’t know. I guess i’m also scared I’m going to end up forever alone because nobody could love me ig. :3
Anyway ignore my cringey vent shit I literally just can’t tell anyone else this shit so i’ll publish it anonymously online <3
Update 17/10 - So i found out that apparently the person i like has a boyfriend, which is yknow good for him - anf i know the boyfriend too - and they’ve literally being dating for more than a year now, and i didnt know which is totally fine - despite them being super close, intheir defense they thought i knew. Spoiler: i did not. :>
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