sum lil snippets of a book I'm writing TW depressing themes.

 I cannot understand why even though I am young, I still don't believe that the words would have much effect on myself. The hope in humanity has far long been erased from my mind, physically I am well aware of humans, I see them everywhere, everyday, just like most of the earth's population. But I see no humanity in any of this badly woven mess. The sound of peace to me has begun to sound like a small child's first attempt at whistling, they think they are amazingly talented, and that their talent will change the trajectory of the world as we know it, but in actual fact, they are no good at whistling at all, nothing great will ever amount from their whistling, and even if to their ears it sounds like the sound waves of an Angel's voice, bouncing around and blessing every ear it brushes by, every ear those sound waves brush by, is being tortured by the painful melancholy noise spewing from a child with mucus drooping from their sinuses. 

Alexander the Great was able to kill millions and was deemed a hero, some called him righteous, but is it truly right to kill so many souls. Even those of innocent children, perhaps, if all the lives ended were those of mass murders, unjust rulers, and cheating tax collectors, then I would see him as a good person. Alexander did not only kill those types of humans though, he killed innocent children, murdered those who would've lived happy lives, and yet he was called heroic. His name rings through history with the word great leaving the last impression on his character. But if a man were to kill one unjust leader, one cheating tax collector now, would 'society' still view that person as Great? Would 'society' still call that person just, or would they perhaps ridicule him, tell him he was a psychopathic, ruthless killer with no remorse or regret, even if in fact he did feel unbearable guilt for what he had done. If anyone can be anything in this day and age, what makes murder of such innocent people a heroic action, but if a cheating tax collector or unjust ruler is rightly killed, it is a ruthless murder done by a madman. Alexander the Great killed millions of innocent people who would've never committed a felony such as murder, but when one man kills another man only once in his entire life, if he kills a man who would have otherwise been responsible for fifty times the deaths as the man who killed him, would that still be unjust? Would that still be evil?

To me, a child's innocence is the most pure thing one can witness. After that child has stolen one minor thing, called one other kid a rude word, their innocence is gone, and therefore, they are no longer the entirely pure being they used to be, and they may never regain their innocence. Even as I look around at the people on the bus, the people in the mall, they all seem to be inhuman. They all seem to be selfish. You can't do anything without being selfish. 

If you give money to the homeless, do you not feel good about yourself? If you don't, it shows that you do not truly care if that person is alive or dead in the future, but if it does make you happy, then you will keep doing good for others, only because it makes you feel good about yourself, this is the most impure thing one can do, it is also the most destructive thing one could try. The more you do this, you will get addicted to the corrupted happiness it brings to you. You will give all your money to these people on the street, and when you run out of money, you begin to sell your own items to give the money to these strangers. But will you ever stop to think whether or not those beggars on the street had the best intentions concerning what they were going to do with the money, will you ever ask why they want the money. Will you be afraid of sounding cold and rude when you ask why you have been put in such a terrorising situation cold and crying in the dark of a leaking basement level apartment with previously white paint that has been yellowing over time and is starting to peel off the walls, an apartment swimming with mould that makes it all the more difficult to breathe, all the while barely being able to scrape together the money it takes to afford the rent. Eating isn't even your top priority anymore. But you'll keep giving your money to them. It gives you happiness. You selfish, selfish citizen, If you can even bear to call yourself that anymore.