I want someone to touch me. I haven’t felt the genuine warmth of a human being in so very long.

(TW: This is a vent, if u can’t handle it then I suggest moving along but i genuinely need help with this)

I’m Drica aka driana, and I have a problem. Growing up, there was something off abt me, I can’t remember when but one day all of a sudden when I was very very young, I gained these…urges.. I became very needy with them. As a kid you view the world so vast and huge and yet you know nothing. I knew nothing abt this feeling I felt but I knew it was hard to to let go of. I became sexual, way way way way way way way way way way too sexual. Years later, I became aware that I was hyper sexual, for whatever reason it rewired my brain to long for sexual orientation. I was young so I couldn’t really get that. So porn. Porn, fantasies. U felt disgusted each time. The thing is. I don’t like sex I hate sex I never want to have it I never want to deal with it. But the urges for most of my life have kept me in this cycle that I loathe. The thing is, I only do it when there’s a connection involved. I’m only sexual with people I feel a genuine spark with. Otherwise I feel disgusted and guilty, like a whore. I think I, I think I just want someone to hold me. Non sexually. I have to beg ppl like my family to hug me and ew no this isn’t abt families im talking abt like love. Outside of my family I’ve never received love from anyone I’ve been neglected my whole life. I think that’s also part of why I have bpd? I’m still looking into that and trynna get diagnosed but still. I just want someone to love me. When Someone does, I get so emotionally attached like their my entire life and when they leave I feel like dying but instead of doing that I sexualize myself over and over and over again when really all I want is a fucking hug. Not even a kiss, a hug. Sorry if this is like idk shouldn’t be talked abt even tho it’s just me being hyper sexual but I have no one to share this with. I identify as asexual or at least try to even tho I’m hyper sexual bc sex genuinely ducking makes me wanna vomit.