Shit in my head

So Imma be honest I really don't know what blogging is used for, so I guess imma just use it like a diary or smthing until I post some actually interesting stuff. But for now this is going in the blogging category ¶:

So uh, yeah, like ive said before my life isn't that interesting. I am 15 yrs old and live in a small town with my less than great mom who hates my guts, but hey, it could be worse. Ok,ok, I was gonna like glamorize my life somehow but fuck that shit. I hate who I am as a person. I am NOT a good person. I burst out in anger at my friends because I can't do it at home, leading to my friends mental decline - which to be honest none of us are at good spots in that station- so I always have a fear that one of my friends aren't going to come to school the next day because something I said was that thing to push them over the edge.

Sometimes I just don't talk, but that eventually leads to my friends prying for answers, and I know they're just being good friends but LAY THE FUCK OFF! IF IM NOT TALKING ITS PROBALLY FOR A GOD DAMNED REASON BECAUSE YOU KNOW IM THE TYPE OF PERSON TO TALK UNTILL EVERYONE FUCKING HATES ME. YES, IT IS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED AT HOME YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU KNOW HOW I LIVE SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING?! For a fact, I know that no one likes to hear me talk, my own fucking mom told me to stop talking so much, so I think I know what I'm fucking talking about. I don't want you to comfort me, nor do I want your fucking sympathy. I don't need it and I'll handle it by myself like I ALWAYS DO. ILL TAKE THE HITS, THE BRUISES, THE BROKEN FUCKING BONES, HER CHOKING ME OUT, AND HER TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF AND DEATH THREATS LIKE I ALWAYS FUCKING DO. 

I feel bad for my boyfriend. I know how his past relationships where and how his relationships with his ex's are like now. One day, it was really bad at home, and I didn't talk to him or say goodmoring or goodnight like I normally do. I couldn't talk to him, I don't know why I just couldn't bring myself to pick up my phone and text him back. I only texted him back when my friend made me take out my earbuds at lunch to tell me that he was worried and to text him back. A pit was in my stomach and I think I zoned out for a moment before I actually did something. I felt terrible. But, that's who I am. I am not a good person and I feel bad for him because he doesn't really know me. I love him, but whenever something bad happens I shut down and don't talk, and 'something bad' happens a lot. And I don't want him to have to go through that again and again whenever my fucked up home life gets in the way. I just want to tell him how sorry I am and how I'll never be good enough and that he should find another man who doesn't have so much baggage. The flat ground looks so appetizing from the top of a building. 

Well, that's all folks! Stay safe ^w^