Teatime pt1 I want to uncrush SO BAD

I had this friend group not too long ago, this girl introduced me and it basically started there. Let's call this girl bangs, she was careless, confident, humorous, and welcoming. But there was a problem, they were literally like meangirls. Their humor didn't fit me, I knew they were bad influence. Especially because I wanted to be a new version of myself, like getting a fresh start, though they just reminded me of the past. I wanted to move on. Yet I didn't have a choice, I wanted to leave but who else would take me in?? (They were my closest friends) Later on, I finally decided to let go, during the start of the year. I went and said that id' like to leave the group WHEN I TRANSFER SCHOOLS. I didn't say the reason cuz I didn't want to make a fight out of it, or anything getting big. I left it at that but then as soon as I knew it, I got kicked from the chat. Without getting to say anything else or even a goodbye. Now, I didn't say I didn't want to be friends anymore, I just wanted to leave the group cuz i didn't want to be around them 24/7. 

A few months fly by, I found a new friend group, a healthier one. They were nice and they let me join in on stuff. They later found out I had a crush on this guy since last grade, and for some reason I just gave in!!!(I don't ever let other people know who I admire, absolutely no trust.) Now, I have absolutely no intention of ever confessing, I wouldn't allow myself to do so especially with Asian standards. I didn't really consider my crush as an "inlove" type of thing, I was only attracted by his looks, though his personality isn't really me. 

Just recently, I had heard from my new friendgroup that bangs and my crush were together. 

Sure, it was news for me but I mostly didn't care, though I'm disappointed. Though, what made me feel HURT was me thinking that I was the one who loss. like, WHAT LOSS?? I WASN'T EVEN PLANNING TO CONFESS AND BANGS ISN'T MY FRIEND ANYMORE. IM SO DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF FOR BEING UPSET AT SUCH AN UNBOTHERED SITUATION. 

i feel...complicated. I felt like losing at a competition that doesn't exist. I hate that I'm still thinking about bangs and the stupid situation I was in, I hated that I have a lack of information as a crush. I hate that I feel like losing to someone that made me feel miserable. If I were to choose how I could get out, I'd want to uncrush this instant. Its so hard for me. Its so exhausting to avoid this person who has the same flesh, bones, and skin as me, its so annoying to avoid a literal human being. Especially with how busy I am with school, him being who he is literally makes everything harder. I hate that I have to hassle because of this SCHOOLMATE?? BECAUSE OF THIS KID WHOS THE SAME AGE AS ME.

I want to ucrush so bad, as well as never having contact relating to bangs again. I've cried myself to sleep because of the same situation.