On the Edge of Darkness

Why is it once life starts to look up, then the whole world crashes down? The world is, of course, always spinning in the galaxy and people are still alive, for the most part.

But no one thinks about that when they're in a situation where their headspace gets caught up in the murky waters of the ocean. This ocean is toxic to only the person drowning in it.

This doesn't help, of course, when one can't swim properly.

There are times when a person who can't swim in responsibilities and debt stacked upon them will waddle up to the surface, trying to stay afloat. Try to keep your head above water, so to speak.

Of course, you'll be told to abandon your responsibilities because they're not really yours; they only feel like it because society and family trauma deems it so.

We are left in this world when stigmas become trauma for a human being.

Your mind starts to wonder, and sometimes you still think about the rusted knives in the kitchen. What would it be like to make light incisions on the skin, just for once? Just the one time?

But your mind starts to wake up to the reality that you will hurt yourself, and that's not so much a bad thing until your slow way of trying to get out of financial struggles places a hard block on your easy access to free healthcare, so until you can find a cheap reliable quote, you can't burden anyone else with your trauma.

Oh, but it is still tempting when the late nights arise and your mother screams in pain over bones mending on her left clavicle from falling in the tub, and your father worries too much and knows he can't do anything, so he yells just as loud. Playing referee as the eldest child in a small family can be quite tiring at times, but the youngest child will never see that struggle; maybe a glimpse, but the self-absorption of self-importance gets in the way of her actually understanding the need for dependency versus the romantic idealization of independence.

What doesn't help are the clashes of scheduling between friends that are like lifelines for an individual, when said individual starts to slowly break down in front of people, but no one watches because no one ever pays close attention. People see what they want to see.

The people you used to rely on have moved, worked too hard, is awake when you're asleep, or have become so toxic that you had to make the hardest move to block them in certain channels, hoping they improve their own lives as you're trying to keep yours afloat with a lifesaver buoy ring.

You're kicking your legs, internally screaming while still trying not to show panic for anyone watching. You're continuously floating in the water, memories of the past several weeks reaching your mind as the darkness looms in, finding snippets of several instances where you've been ignored, whether unintentional or intentional.

At that moment, you're not sure which is worse, but you remain hopeful for a positive outcome.

You try to relay your emotions, but have been turned away one way or another to the point where you're not sure who to trust with your heart anymore. This isn't even dealing with romance; just friendships.

You wonder if it was better to stay silent and move on, never to make conversation and strike up friendships, but then you realize...

...you would have drowned yourself sooner if you've never spoken a word.

But in this moment, as you're struggling on the buoy ring, waiting in the dark murky seas for someone to come rescue you, your mind etches onto the question: "Would it have made a difference whether you made friends or not?"

...to this day, I still don't know how to answer that question.

No one has given me any indication that I should answer, anyway.