maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong

10/10/24

it changes when the sun goes down

i saw that on a wall on the way back and then i cried. and you didn't see cause you didn't really look at me, you looked through me. and when you meet my eyes you don't even hold hatred for me and that is worse. i want you to know that i care and of course i love you. and it's been really hard for me too. and that won't mean anything to you cause why should it but it's important to me that you know that i still have a heart.

and this one cried all the way home

i had a dream about someone last night. someone i used to know. someone i drifted from until they cut the cord. someone who wanted to talk to which i ignored them. someone i have not missed until today. because in my dream they were kind and i loved them. and in the beginning they were kind and i loved them. and i miss him. and he reminded me of someone i tried to forget and now it's hit me again like it did in the dark behind the shed and that's not why i cried last night in the rain and the dark after you got in the car and went home, but it is why i woke up feeling even more lonely and even less forgivable. it's my fault things keep falling apart. i am cursed with romanticism and spite and the two cannot work in union. 

i hate and i love 

why do i do this, perhaps you ask

i do not know, but i feel it happening and i am tortured 

when the rain washes you clean you'll know 

it wasn't that type of rain. it was slow and soft but it still stung. i could feel it seeping under my skin and embedding within me everything i now know. and i wish i was ignorant and happy. i wish i was careless and free. i wish things like this wouldn't happen to me 

hope you're all ok

yours,

miss misery