#2 entry - every inch of me is full of pain, and thats the only thing i can count on

ever since i was exposed to the hard truth of life (11 years old) i would occasionally find myself sitting somewhere feeling every single ache, every sting, every gnawing reminder that nothing good ever stays.

i swear to god i physically cringe just thinking about what im going to type in the next few sentences, i know its going to sound REALLY fuckin emo but anyway, being full of pain feels like an old friend. one that never leaves, never betrays you by pretending things will get better. its almost comforting yknow? pain doesnt wear a mask. its there in your bones, in your head, in your heart, reminding you that youre alive in the worst way possible. some people run from it, shove it deep down, try to numb themselves with distractions or meaningless validation. they would go through lengths of pretending its not there, like throwing themselves into relationships, their jobs, cut a little or whatever the hell else they can find just to avoid sitting alone with that pain. but heres the thing, they cant run forever. sooner or later the distractions fade, the validation runs dry and theyre left empty and broken.

its why i never avoid pain anymore. all my life i watch the adults around me drowning themselves in cheap thrills, drugs and alcohol, new people, new clothes, new versions of themselves. but deep down i can feel that their old ways will come creeping back in the second they let their guard down. so i figured that out at 11. that nothing good ever stays, i sat with it and i stopped fighting it. i find some kind of sick comfort in the fact that pain is the only thing that never leaves me. everything else can go to hell, but pain? pain is reliable.

lol, this sounds like some cringey shit straight out of a weeb's journal entry but whatever. anyone can think im being melodramatic but atleast im not lying to myself by pretending that life will somehow magically get better if i just "focus on the positive" or whatever delusional shit people say to themselves

so yeah, every inch of me is full of pain and i guess im okay with that.
till the next entry