Job Fair; thoughts on professionalism, pissing contests, self-criticism, etc

10/08/24
10:35 PM

Went to the job fair tonight for my IT studies program. As soon as I saw how many people where there I wanted to turn around and go back home. I forced myself to head in though. There was a lot more people than I expected and lots of different companies showed up.

I've only ever worked crappy menial jobs. I've never been in a semi-professional setting before. To say I felt intimidated is an understatement.

I thought I was over my social anxiety; turns out being able to pal around with a bunch of other adult burnouts in a fast food joint doesn't mean I no longer have anxiety lol.

I just picked the table that looked the most empty and sort of made my way around. I felt like a real dunce. I didn't want to go to look for a new job, I just wanted to get a lay of the land. People kept asking if I had a resume with me. I got embarrassed so quick I didn't think to clarify that I wasn't actually looking to get hired, I just wanted to see what people were looking for. If I had come at it from that angle I probably would've gotten some good info. Instead I just took home a few business cards and felt like a damn fool haha.

There was this one table I sheepishly walked up to and made conversation. I could tell right away they weren't really into my vibe. After I finished up I saw a woman swoop in after me. She was dressed up snazzy and had a whole leather portfolio from which she flourished a resume. The dude who I had just spoken to got up and shook her hand and everything.

Stuff like that always puts me off. I guess I'm just too self critical. I'm wary of projecting that onto this lady I don't know and become critical of her. It's nothing personal against her. Or even the guy from the company.

I just hate how this sort of stuff is all for show you know? I went to another table and spoke and this guy shook my hand. As soon as he did I immediately realized I have a weak ass handshake and it was all I could think about while we were talking. How many people did he shake hands with today? Would he remember someone based on their handshake? And then I knew I wasn't being as forthcoming as I should, or personable, or whatever.

I went into this with no frame of reference and it was terrifying. I did learn about how presentation matters. I hope by the time I am further along in my studies I'll have gained enough confidence in my abilities/knowledge base that I'm not so unprepared. It's sobering to realize half of anything like this is just a race to impress the right people at the right time. I guess that goes with any career path though.

Before this I got an Associate's in Art. I declined to further my schooling for various reasons. The main thing was that I felt like my self esteem was too tied up in my art. I'd go to shows and stuff and if I didn't get enough buzz about my artwork like I wanted to I didn't handle it well. Back then I thought it was just about my art. Now I realize it's a me thing in general. I'm not sure how best to work through it all. I guess it's something you figure out in time, with experience.