Inverted earth

Does anyone else feel quite hopeless when it comes to doing the things that they want to do, and especially the things that they have to?

where does one acquire this drive? where does the need to want even come from? 

today i thought about relapsing, so i tried to consider doing something else. i want to ride a bike, i haven't in years, but alas i do not own one anymore. i thought about walking, but in this godless city, walking is a crime. i wanted to take my mind off of it, but it's too impossible. i'm stagnant here, good-for-nothing. i can't even write words in a meaningful way... what are you meant to do when you're someone that just exists? is nothing more, entirely less. 

i guess it doesn't really matter, it doesn't. i shouldn't keep giving it thought, just sit here smoking this meaningless cigarette, in my meaningless body, where the embodiment meaninglessness resides, typing on this meaningless blog, these meaningless words, my meaningless feelings.

if only i could meet my savior...one day they will come, and rescue me from living life.. i'll thank them, won't ever leave them.. unless they want me to, of course. i'll be here...waiting

censoress is feeling alone