cluster b stuff :[

disclaimer: im not trying to self diagnose in any way, I'm just kinda seeing if I should get this checked out and Im also just kinda venting. give cluster b's some love, they need it. btw if miska, Julian,or Koda are reading this, either don't or don't think I'm mad at you, I'm not, I love you guys <3

borderline personality disorder: so, I have mode swings a lot. I can want to be close and cuddly with someone one moment and the next become really cold and very "don't fucking touch me", ya know? and I'm not sure why. are this just normal hormonal teenager things?? help?? I'm also not sure if it's just FOMO, but I also hate HATE being alone. it's okay some times, and for only a little bit, but it gets lonely and sad at one point. like, my grandma picks me up from school, but she has to go pick up my brother first (he gets out at 3:30 and I get out at around 3:00.) and for a minute or so, I get to talk with my friends!! but, then, they get picked up, or they go home together to hang out, and I have to get left out in the sun for half an hour or more before my grandma comes pick me up. I'm glad my friends are getting along and hanging out, like, good for them!! but, I just feel unnecessarily sad and lonely and angry (at myself). I feel pathetic and forgotten and useless. I don't know why, I just do, but I don't want to bring it up in case it comes off as me complaining and that makes my friends see me as pathetic as I feel, and then they'll leave me for good. I can be rather impulsive, I have no fucking clue who I am, what I am, what/who I should be, and what/who I want to be, what I want to do, *!!TW self harm and su1c1de!!* I have cut, burned, and hit myself on multiple occasions, I just feel so fucking numb and empty all the time, and I dont know what to do any more, I feel like everyone would be better off if I just never was born, if just dropped dead right here right now, if I had actually died like how I was supposed to after the 9th week,.*!!okay it's over!!* 

histrionic personality disorder: honestly, most of the blogs I make are because I think "wow, look at all the friends I have!!! they must all love me!!" i love the attention i get from it if someone, anyone, puts a comment on it. I'm also really 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂. like, fucking 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂.

okay, yeah, I'm done. this was in no way me trying to self diagnose, like I said at the beginning. I'm just trying to get advice and stuff. sry that it was mostly me venting. thx for reading tho, if you are!! <33