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Well the challenge for the day is to post a blog. I thought I would have something prepared in advance but I don't and honestly the last few days I have really been struggling. Turn back now if you don't want to be burdened with the heaviness of someone else's mind.
"You'll find more cheer in a graveyard" - Gimli
I'm always struggling with self-sabotage. I make progress and I take 10 steps back. My mind and body shut down and all I want to do is sleep. But if I spend my time off sleeping, my life really only consists of work/ responsibilities (like cleaning). I feel like I am stuck in between so many different dichotomies in my life that it is difficult to move forward or make change.
The things I say I want, I don't seem motivated to work towards them - so do I really want them? What's actually holding me back? I'm definitely struggling with depression - my job is unfortunately a huge part of that - I need my job to pay the bills - but it negatively impacts every other aspect of my life (health, mental health, relationships because I'm too drained to do anything while surviving the work week).
Then I see what others are dealing with - people impacted by hurricane Helene, people impacted by war, people experiencing the worst aspects of poverty and addiction right here in the united states. My problems really aren't that bad, but then why do I feel so awful all the time? I know I deal with depression and bi-polar disorder - is this why? Is it really not about my circumstances - is my brain just broken and set to self destruct regardless of my circumstances? Or, despite being better off than a lot of others on paper, are my circumstances so bad to me that they really do lead to depression? It's honestly very hard to say.
I've tried pills, I've tried diet and exercise, taking time off work helps but I fall right back into this when I go back to full time. It really does seem like my job is a huge source of the problem and i need to do something to get myself out of this circumstance, unfortunately it will just take some time and I've already wasted so much time being miserable. Time I can never get back, with people who are now gone who I can't get back either.
I try not to dwell on that or be filled with regret. What was I supposed to do? I had to pay my bills. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have quit my job, destroyed my credit gotten myself out of these circumstances so I could have spent more time with my dad who's time was coming to an end.
I can't undo it now. So I just have to try to move forward without making the same mistakes - but i feel myself still making them. Still stuck. Still always feeling like I just don't want to be here.
I bought a standing desk - it won't solve my problems but maybe it will help a little in the meantime.
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benny // whalefall
"are my circumstances so bad to me that they really do lead to depression? It's honestly very hard to say. I've tried pills, I've tried diet and exercise, taking time off work helps but I fall right back into this when I go back to full time. It really does seem like my job is a huge source of the problem and i need to do something to get myself out of this circumstance, unfortunately it will just take some time and I've already wasted so much time being miserable"
you are allowed to be as miserable as you like. i know that you want to avoid victimizing yourself, but, part of the problem with our current society is how we treat systemic problems with 'individual' 'solutions;' maybe the reason nothing's working is because there's nothing wrong with you and you're just responding to the weight you're carrying like any human would
and i mean mental/emotional/spiritual weight not physical lmfao
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
Thank you for this! Lmfao and honestly it's probably my physical weight too or at least for me it's a symptom of my depression because I strongly cope with food which isn't good for me!
But no I totally get you and appreciate the message! I absolutely don't want to be a victim and know there may be some learned helplessness in here but I genuinely feel stuck in certain circumstances until something changes (which I know I have to make change somehow). I think you are so right though that this system is messed up for almost everyone and there rarely are individual solutions for how messed up the system is. It's easy for me to think that when I look at others but not when I look at myself, so thank you for that
by Cryptic Jasmine; ; Report
ofc. i will always gladly remind people of the evils of capitalism :33
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
Cranky Old Witch
There's a bit in there where you're comparing your pain and struggles with others.
It's a trap.
It's one of those things where someone else has something worse going on, so you feel like you're not entitled to feel the way that you do.
Stop that! YOUR struggles, however you may think they compare to others, are uniquely YOURS because it is YOU that has to navigate through them!
You never need to sublimate your own feelings because too many ghosts from the past told you "Think you've got it rough ... " or some BS like that.
The biggest key here is your own agency. YOU are not only ALLOWED to have your feelings, but are ENTITLED to them by virtue of the fact that you are a human being. The direct i heritor of basic human dignity and you DESERVE to have your own agency over your feelings.
There's another step here.
A harder step.
I'm working on this step and hope to one day tell you more about how to navigate it, but it is this ...
Just as you are entitled to feel your own feelings over the crappy things that happen ...
You are even MORE deserving to allow yourself to feel GOOD about the good things! You deserve happiness and contentment just as much as anyone else, and if those old ghosts stole that from you long ago, you might just deserve to gain it back more than many others!
Now, you don't need anyone else's permission to 'feel', to 'love', and to be 'loved', but just on the off chance that you think you do,
*I* give you permission.
Although I'm just some random kook on the interweirds, *I* give you permission to 'feel' some sort of way when times are tough AND permission to allow goodness into your life!
Thank you SO much for this response, seriously!
I didn't expect anyone to want to read that or respond so the fact that you did with so much empathy and understanding is BEYOND appreciated 
Since you are still working on it *I* also give *YOU* permission too! Thank you for giving me permission, funny it does help! &heart;
You're so right about comparing struggles. MY WHOLE life I had people compare their struggles with mine and tell me they weren't that bad (and to be fair most of the kids I grew up with did have way worse circumstances than me but that didn't make mine good!) My grandmother is a narcissist and always needed things to appear perfect so yeah you are right two places I definitely got that from. I also tend to beat myself up senselessly in my mind, and you're right I HAVE to stop that! I have no idea how to stop that lmao but that's what I have to figure out!
OMG T.T *Crying* seriously thank you. You are so RIGHT! I don't feel worthy of good things or joy either! I'm so glad you are working on this yourself too!
THANK YOU!!!
by Cryptic Jasmine; ; Report
You're not beating yourself up. Your true nature would never say such horrible things about you.
You're battling against the committee in your head.
They are made up by the voices of people you loved and trusted who said toxic stuff to you over the years. Those voices get filed away, began to talk amongst themselves, and then start echoing around in your head. Distorting and intensifying until you can't recognize who those committee members ever were in the first place.
Remember: THEY ARE LIARS.
Past time to stop believing their bullshit!
by Cranky Old Witch; ; Report
by Cryptic Jasmine; ; Report
sam
i understand with regards to self-sabotage. that has been a huge problem for me all my life. having to confront any sense of regret is just... discomforting, and it leads to a negative thought loop and a feeling of defeat.
i guess it's easy for me to say because i am so young, but you always have the chance to change the direction of your life.
is there anything you can add to your daily routine that would make it easier to pivot to a different kind of job/side hustle/freelance/anything? as in a skill you could start teaching yourself (or improve upon to gain professional proficiency), or maybe learn through online classes/a certification program if you can finance something like that? something that you would enjoy more than what you are doing now or has less stressful working conditions
i understand if that seems like an impossible undertaking given your current mental state, but even taking a few baby steps by just investigating alternatives and what you can do to reach your goal would be a good start. you dont have to do anything crazy, just do what you can
also, comparing yourself and your situation to others', whether good or bad, never helps. your situation is bad. those situations are also bad. there's variance as what kind of bad and how severe they are both emotionally and materially but neither are good. if your situation makes you feel this way, that's ok. you don't need a situation that is horrible "enough" to justify being depressed. i used to think that way all the time, and it was basically just a way to rationalize not asking for help (not saying it's the same for you, just my experience)
ps sorry if you didnt want any advice, i know sometimes people just want to vent. so feel free to ignore allathat if that is the case
pps this is really long my bad.
Haha no no not your bad at ALL! THANK YOU for reading and for your thoughtful, understanding, and compassionate response! SERIOUSLY, thank you!
You are so right and so wise! It is helpful to hear that feedback though because, like most people, I'm WAY hard on myself when I'm not with anyone else.
I'm definitely working on changing careers it just takes time unfortunately. Part of my hesitation is I'm not sure what city I'll be living in in a year so that's been making things more complicated, but that said there are definitely things I can continue to do to change my circumstances.
Thank you so much again!
by Cryptic Jasmine; ; Report