deep post dont read if udgaf

////////TW: sexual violence against minors

I recently found out my brother was arrested for horrific child corn charges and i am so stuck in how to process this. He took advantage of me in 2016 when i was 11, he was 20 so i expected him to get caught up with something eventually. We all knew he was going to slip up in some way we knew he would hurt somebody in some way but we never expected something so extreme. he was caught with hundreds of files of children ranging from infancy to 14 with bdsm, beastiality, im sure you get the point. he had been messaging suicidal young girls taking advantage of them trying to get meet ups. I cant stop thinking about what if he was searching for the feeling he had with me when he lived with us. i didnt tell anyone until a year after everything happened. my parents noticed something was off and he needed to go. their little girl who has once adored her older brother now wanted absolutely nothing to do with him and was calling him a weirdo? i cant help but think was he searching for what he was able to get out of me from those. i feel partially responsible for taking so long to say something he wouldve been put away years ago if i had just said something sooner if i had gone to the hospital when it happened i wouldnt be stuck with all this grief. i cant stop crying about these poor babies those poor young girls he wouldve never gotten to if i had said something sooner. the worst part is i miss him so much there is nothing more i want than a hug from my big brother but not the one who would tickle me until it was easier to take my shorts off cause my shirt was so big "you didnt need them" the one who picked me up from school early on my birthday after not seeing him for years. i grieve him everyday it kills me you did this to me. everything would be so much easier if you had died, this would be easier if you were a mass murderer but i dont know what to do with this feeling i dont know what it is. i deserved a real brother.