Entry 22 || little devil

We're picking her up from school tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm ready

I don't know how she's gonna look at me

I don't know if I'm gonna mess things up

I don't know if things are ever gonna be the same again

We're trying our best

I'm trying my best

I have to do my best

but what if I make a mistake

I don't know if she forgives me yet

One can not forgive someone but love them at the same time, right?

What if she's lying

What if she just feels chained to me

I don't want her to be chained to me against her will

I don't want to push her into having conversations she doesn't wanna have

Sometimes I hate being scared of death

I wanna die

Will she want me to die?

No

I think

No

She doesn't

I know

I should know

Will they want me to die?

I can tell

Or maybe it's in my head

He knows for sure

He won't stop giving me that look

I hate it

Please mind your own business

but I don't blame you

you love her just as much as I do

I want her to be happy

that's all I ask

So please make her happy

that's all I want

I just want her to be happy

that's all

that's all

but she's not happy

I have so much blood in my hands

I don't know how to wash it off

I don't think I can

I'm spiraling again

everyone's anger is understandable

her anger's understandable

what did her parents tell her

they better not turn this all around on her

I swear

fuck your grief

fuck your bullshit

you chained her to this hellhole

you're killing everybody here

I don't know what to say to people

I don't know who these people are anymore

Who the hell am I

I don't like this

shut up

just shut up

you can't let her know

stupid fucking people pleaser

spoiled brat

you little fucking devil

set me on fire

I want to melt

I should be ready

I fucked this all up

I have her blood on my hands

I have his blood on my hands

I'm splitting in half