my forever companion

cw!! This blog is dedicated to a friend of mine who passed a few months ago, it deals with death, grief, su!cidal ideations, sh and depression

My first entry, written a few weeks later and finished today. A narration of everything that happened those days.

I’m not sure how I feel or how to express it, so I think I'm going to start writing and collecting notes, journals, thoughts, writings, poems and drawings. If I can't communicate through words I can connect with art.

I am going to start with a diary entry, it is currently August 1, 2024 but I am going to refer to July 18 and 19 of the same year. July 18, between 9 and 9:30 p.m. I was reading Gabriela Mistral's letters when my mother called me “Jo, come, hurry up.” I imagined it could be to show me something on TV as always, but no, she was talking on the phone, very worried, and she told me “Do you know anything about Rena?” I had no idea about anything, a little while before we had written to each other, very normal. My mother told me “rena is in the ICU” I was very confused, I wanted to know if it was true, I wanted to know what had happened to her. I asked my mom to ask people, until they told us. Rena had a stroke and was taken to the hospital. I cried, I cried, I cried and I cried, I am not a believer in anything but at the same time in everything, we prayed, we gathered energy, we put up her photo. I didn't sleep well at all, I woke up in the night distressed, with tears. I couldn't help but get upset, I thought the worst, I cried for being like that. I knew my friend was going to get out of it. On Friday the 19th with some of her other friends we met at the hospital early to write letters, messages, we made a collage and above all to  make company so that her family and her could feel our energy. They told us later what had happened to Rena, it was an almost undetectable, irreversible accident. Her brain wasn't working. We went home, prayed for a miracle, we ate together and filled ourselves with joy to share with our friend, but in the apnea test she was not able to continue breathing alone. I don't know what time it was, but when we returned to the hospital and when it was already dark, people from our class and teachers from school began to arrive. We lit candles. When there was a shift change with the hospital officials, we went in to see her. My beautiful girl. Radiant. Resting. It hurt me a little to see her breathing artificially and how they kept her warm with a thermal blanket, but I was able to see her one last time and tell her how much I love her, I was able to say goodbye to her little body, my friend is so pretty, freshly done eyelashes, tanned, painted nails , divine. That night my friend’s organs went to other people. I slept in my bed with my mother, the memorial was going to be on the 20th, at her house. We bought flowers to bring her, the bouquet that I put together with so much love, the little letter for her family, that day we cried a lot. Her house was full of flowers and photos. I saw her dressed up in her coffin, dressed like the lawyer she is, with beautiful makeup. On Sunday was her liturgy, at school. A tremendous pain to see so many people gathered for that reason. I read for my beautiful girl, then I took communion for her and we left with the casket. She was honored so much, so so much. We arrived at the crematorium, where a presentation was prepared that her friends made with our photos with her. It was a super emotional moment. We left roses, gave love to the family and left. 

At this moment it is already October, no matter how much I wanted to, it was very difficult for me to continue writing. The days after everything that happened I tried to find support and understanding with my friends. We took care of each other so much that it was even more difficult to leave our city and return to the capital. Get away from all of them, from rena’s family, from where her ashes would be. It took me a lot to get back into university life and over time and as I learned to deal with it I felt guilty for not feeling bad. For thinking of nice things when I thought of her. For not crying with every thing that reminds me of her. For not being with her.

The feeling of guilt will never stop haunting me. Why didn't I write to her as soon as I arrived in La Serena?

But I think I understand that that's the least of it, I can't let such a bitter thought of my own overshadow me from imagining her laugh and remembering it with joy.

Second entry. Started drawing it the week after. Portrait of her, of her cat, a polaroid of us, roses and candles we lit for her, a group photo and some phrases of her. 

Third entry, when I had already returned to the city where I go to uni at.

Last night I dreamt about you, it wasn't really you, it was your coffin with a white sheet covering it and above were all the roses some of the ones who love you left. I could be next to you for the last time. One more minute before your cremation. In my dream I knew that meant a rest. I saw a queen sized bed for you to sleep like in those naps you liked so much. Wherever you are I know you sent me that dream, I hear you telling me to live through this sad times, that I don't try to act fine when I'm not ready.

I love you infinite my friend.

Fourth entry, three weeks later I got a tattoo that would remind me of her forever and ever 

I really love this tattoo, I used to be very afraid of butterflies but quickly got over it as soon as they came to us, her family and friends in the most unusual places.

Fifth entry, a brief poem I wrote one night

Sometimes I wonder, why you?

In love with life, happy and full

Filling the world with laughter

Coloring with your joy

Is death really fair?

Doesn’t ask, doesn’t wait, just snatches

It takes you off guard

Doesn't let you smell the flowers one last time

It won't let you go back to the beach

It won’t let you say goodbye to everyone

Is your departure really fair?

They teach us that everyone has a purpose

If you leave young you have already fulfilled it

But you weren't ready

No, we are not ready

Sixth entry, and one that is more rooted to me and my desire to not exist but an idea rapidly changed by this event

Truth is that 6 years ago I only wanted a peaceful death, 5 years ago to die sleeping, 4 years ago to stop existing, 3 years ago to disappear, 2 years ago to not have been born at all and 1 year ago of wanting to end my life. I spent almost four years struggling with my own thoughts, sometimes they got the better of me and I did stupid things. I cried almost daily because I didn't know how to move forward. My only motivation was for bad things to happen to me to justifiably hurt me. It wasn't long ago the last time, but now I see it so far away. Despite fighting with myself, I should not take the life of that girl who has already grown up to become an adult. Yes, life has been unfair and took away one of the best people I know, having experienced the death of a person I love so much made me think. It's not fair that someone's life is so short, that she didn’t pass 20. I don't want to say that I'm living for her because I know she's living for herself somewhere, but I want to say that she motivates me to keep going. and not end my life so early.

Last the seventh entry, written today

Someone just asked me if I think about her,

Do I think about you?

Without hesitation I immediately said yes.

I think of you with every sunny day, when I see butterflies

When the sunset is pretty

I think of you every time someone says April or July, 18 or 19

I love thinking about you, I love being asked about you

When it's cold I think about how you would complain

When I see clementines I remember your cat and how you loved her

I love remembering your smile and your affection

But like every day? They asked me again

Once more, I said yes

I think of you every time I can and I can't

I think of you while I walk, while I listen to music, while I read

I especially think of you when I write and when I draw.

I love thinking about you and writing you and drawing you

I love everything you were and what you are

I love you now and always

This blog was quite hard for me to put together, I never thought I would trust the internet with my deepest and most emotional creations, so I hope you are able to read them with passion and emotion and appreciate every bit of it. Currently I’m better at dealing with death, I am not struggling with suicidal ideations and am starting to be joyful again. If you or anyone you know is going through something similar I just want to say, feel free to feel; cry, scream. Find ways to express yourself. Find people or things to comfort you, don’t go through this alone, as a last resource, I’m here <3