dream journal

i usually don't have nightmares, not the ones that come to mind when you think of 'em, at least. it was awfully long time ago since i saw a "spooky" nightmare - when it was all pitch black, when a scary monster chased me, when all of my teeth fall out, that kind of stuff. i haven't had those since i was a kid.

only yesterday i realised that my nightmares are uncomfortable. they force me into situations i would've hate in real life and they force me to go through it with double the anxiety and guilt i have every day.

yesterday i had a dream. i was visiting my friends in their city. all was fine and well, however the eerie feeling of anxiety followed me there and i couldn't relax. when i mentioned that to my friends in the dream, they called me a horrible person because "i was visiting them in the first place" and i had no right to. that i was a bad person because i have no standarts and i can't choose a side. i still can hear and see the friend's face while she was saying that and these words still echo in my head.

today i saw a different dream with my ex-best-friend. we stopped being friends when i did a bad thing and when i realised she was doing a bad thing to me. i saw her in my dream and we were in school again. we were friends again. both of us were "those weird girls" in our class. she did something in my dream - she sang a song, she danced, and all of our classmates hated her even more for it. and i hated it too. i dreamt of talking to my classmates and them saying that she is weird and cringy - and i felt that too. so i confronted her and told her right in her face that she is weird and people don't like her because of it. she cried. i feel bad about it.

whenever i want to talk to people about it, confront my friends or whatever - i feel bad. i feel bad all the time now. i'm sorry to everyone who once were or are my friends right now. it feel like i don't deserve friends in any way.