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I saw a very cute family today at a concert and it filled my heart and mind with so many thoughts and things. I couldn't really say anything to anyone, so I might as well share it in a blog post.
The hardest part of my life is coping with the fact that I am romantically undesirable. It's been 1.5-2 years of being alone. I don't know what I did for this to happen, but I know who to blame for some of it. I feel like it is out of my hands-- I can't keep swiping and swiping hoping that a date isn't a ploy for a hookup, but I cant not be swiping or else I'd be doing nothing to estrange myself from my loneliness. I am so tired of finding the good in not being loved (my friends love me very much and I am so thankful for it, but this is a different kind of love). I'm tired of saying it's better this way so I can focus on my degree or my art or my job. I'm just so tired of the empty side of the bed and the cold part of the couch that no one ever sits on.
If I could have one moment of reassurance that my life will be anything close to anything I want, I'd want one glimpse into the future of one moment, so I can know that I can share the warmth of life and love with somebody. Anybody. It gets hard knowing that I'll never bring life into the world (as a trans person) and that it's a hurdle being with a non-conforming woman. I become soemthing exotic to the people that view me or my profile, a hula-girl on the dash. I also become a liability. This is someone who can't have my kids, This is someone whose body is different from whats normal. I hate that things can't just BE and I'm filled with daily moments of agony reviling the thought.
Life isn't a storybook and shouldn't be. I think the experiences I've been through have completely altered who I am as a person and I can't be more proud of what I am today (although I've been through a good bit). I just want to win the claw machine once, to get that shitty 2-cent stuffed animal and love it forever; hell, I'd lose at any other thing in life if it just meant I get to have a life and a family.
Jesus. I sound like a basket case or something... I'm just going to go to bed.
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benny // whalefall
"I also become a liability. This is someone who can't have my kids, This is someone whose body is different from whats normal."....as a trans guy, and a disabled person, i...get it. i get it.