failing and failing

yeah I'm pretty much the biggest failure of a human I guess

I don't have any skills whatsoever, I like ''drawing'' but what good is that if you're not good at it? not to mention that it's the only ''productive'' hobby of mine, maybe save for baking idk

yeah I can't work man, I tried going to work as a retail worker this week, (not even 5 full days, only 4 cuz I had to start on the first of the month) and I can't go on like this cuz my back and feet hurt, especially my back, and the time flies by wayyyy to slowly (so I suppose it doesn't fly by)

I wish I could

make one 

one

right thing in my life

for once

and make my parents proud

PROUD

for once

and idk get a real paying job but I hate it, I can't have one, I can't even find a nice online job, I can't even make a phone call

I couldn't get in college this year, cuz art school rejected me

hmmm

when I was a little younger (it's not like I'm in my 40s haha) I dreamt of being a famous online artist, and to get commissioned and donations like popular youtubers do, yanno? but I don't really post content anymore

I've beeeeen thinking of ending it sinceeee 4th grade I thiiink, but these past few years (high school), these thoughts have been eating me alive

maaan how I'd love to shoot myself in the head right now

maaaaan oh maaaan how I'd love to shoot myself in my stomach right now

oh how I'd love to cut myself and use my own blood as paint even though I don't even paint, (I do digital art) but it'd turn out ugly

oh how I'd love to see myself with no jaw, maybe from a car accident

I want to kill myself

I never really felt like life was for me, I kind of always knew I'd end up like this

I should have ended it in 4th grade