small

Hey, it's been a few days since I was last on here. I've been getting distracted. I started paying more attention to twitter and Tumblr, which is scary. I always get overwhelmed and sucked into the numbers. That happens sometimes, I get really invested and then spat back out feeling uncertain and anxious, and significantly smaller than I was prior. Feeling small is the worst. Not small in the common sense, that your ego is bruised or whatever, but Small. Like a speck of dust being blown around from place to place. Blown around place to place, never really forming any roots. I woke up feeling particularly small today. I don't think I know how to make friends, like, real friends. I know how to be charming, how to put people at ease, I know how to laugh with people, I know how to be open enough that they feel like they can talk to me about things, but not enough for them to be able to reciprocate, because that makes me uncomfortable. Even when It's people that I do really care for. Besides the people who have known me for the last 5+ years, who have seen me at my shit-eating worst when I was 14*, I haven't really let anyone know me. I don't know when I learned to be like this, but now I don't know how to unlearn it.... That's a big fat lie, I totally do, but I reaaaaally don't like what that entails. I don't want anyone to see me vulnerable.** I'm scared of being cringe. So a lot of my interactions with people feel like I'm giving them a surface-level caricature of myself that's silly and unserious and kind of a goof.*** I want to be more sincere... I need to get with the program!!! I'm at a place in my life where the relationships I form are supposed to be the most significant!!! Come on, egg!! get out of your shell, get out of your dorm, and go make FRIENDS. 

Anyways, I deleted the blog post going into it because I was embarrassed, but I did end up sharing the personal 'artist voice' essay draft that I had to write with my public speaking class. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't rehearse, but it was alright, aside from a typo I missed. It was only around two minutes long, and my professor gave me some feedback. She told me I was a great writer****, I just needed to really Share with everyone, as in, be more intimate in my delivery, and told me to take another shot at it. I knew what she meant by that, but I couldn't get myself to do it, so I sat down. Overall it went well. I don't feel weird when I think back on it, which is a win. 

Anyways, there is a lot more that I want to say and a ton of clarifications I want to make, but I'm gonna stop there. if anyone else can relate, or has advice, pleaseeeee. please please. Please ^?^ THANKS.

* I'd die for them, they stuck around for all of that LOL. I wasn't an edge lord or anything.... just imagine the essence of every youngest sibling ever juiced and poured into a single person. And then sprinkle a little bit of TikTok brain rot on top. Thank god I don't use that app anymore. I did re-download it recently so my friends back at home could send me tiktoks, but I haven't watched any of them yet.... I really need to... :X

**Which is literally what I am doing right here, but the chances of anyone I know finding this by chance are so low that I feel somewhat okay with this. Plus, the people who have commented under my stuff so far have been really nice and interesting! I do know that stuff stays on the internet forever though, and that I haven't made myself particularly difficult to recognize, so I'm staying mindful. Hello, if you do know me.

*** One of my roommates was on a call with their mom and described me as the most unserious person they know. One of my friends took a little offense to that when I told them about it later, but I thought it was an accurate assessment lol. 

**** I don't know if she used Great exactly, but she said something along the lines. she's really nice.