Maybe I really am infantile.

I've just been called a child, a pathetic, stupid child. And I'm heartbroken to admit it, maybe my narcissism has kept me from accepting that fact for a long time or maybe I've tried not to think about it, but I'm not perfect. Even when I start talking about myself in a bad way, I'm told I'm feeling sorry for myself. And it's so deeply rooted in me that I don't even know where there is truth and where there is lies, where there is me and where there is my projection. I think I'm completely confused about myself. I don't want any more pity. The word "idiot", "stupid", have become my synonyms, they have become so often mentioned in my direction that I even thought about radically changing the direction of my life. I could never look outside myself, I blamed others for things I was guilty of, I never really loved after my teenage love had broken me. And even in this moment, I'm trying to put the blame on someone else, how pathetic I am. I must be the stupidest person on the entire planet if I can't grow up and fix myself. As many people have told me about my vices, my inner self has taken it all in stride or ignored it. I am definitely an egoist and a narcissist, my words may sound beautiful, but they are inherently stupid. I spoke to a friend of mine and she put me in my place, showed me my wrong side, even though I didn't want to take her words to heart, but once again I was called a stupid child. I don't understand how you can grow up. I'm 20 years old, is that the age when people become adults and self-sufficient individuals, I don't think so, I feel the same as I did four years ago, my personality remained in the teenage environment, mentally I remained the same idiot. And I'm ashamed that even as I write these words, the word ‘Pity’ flashes through my ears, first and foremost to myself. I am not sincere even with myself, what to speak of the people around me. I am so tired of my own essence and I start from this day to forge myself into a more mature person, although I don't believe that something will change, but I need to change something in myself and become a better person.