no one notices the contrast of white on white

03/10/2024

yesterday i got so old, it made me want to cry

you are too young and too full of life to worry about something as trivial as Death.

i am hoping, for your sake, that if i diminish it, it will go away. it will leave us alone. i will have the strength to protect you. i will do whatever it takes. i know you're scared but i promise we will be ok. we just get scared to prepare ourselves. 

you will never live a minute without me. we will grow old together and live in little old houses next to eachother and raise kids or care for our cats 

i'll do whatever you want as long as you're happy

but you need to know this: to cry is to be alive. to grieve is to know you have loved. to be mourned is to know you were loved. nothing is meaningless. we are here for eachother. all that matters is our relationships with others. it doesn't matter what happens afterwards as long as you have loved and been loved and you, my fragile capricorn, have certainly loved and been loved because we love eachother.

there are some things i know for certain:

i've been getting scared. everything is chaotic. i've laid salt in case and i'm carrying tiger's eye. i know he thinks it's ridiculous and i wish he wouldn't diminish it by calling it "cute".but he is trying. this is what i've been taught. always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can

inaudible whispers in reverse 

i'm sorry i hurt you. i'm not sorry that i didn't choose you. i'm allowed to live. i know you don't get it but i think differently to you. i only have so long. you have forever 

there is a quick fix for staying young forever. i am scared to be 18 

but i'm more scared of the alternative 

oh, how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying 

the instrumental bridge of Fame < Infamy 

i wonder if anyone will read these one day, long after i'm 18 

and maybe they'll know the full story by then, rather than my defeatist presumptions about my future. 

it will be me 

and i hope she is not bitter

and i hope she does not hate me

i hope that in her so-called maturity and age, she will not have become spiteful and angry at the world. cause i'm angry at the world but i know i have a lot of love. 

please don't hate me 

i'm giving second chances to people who don't need second chances and i'm ready to fall in love with the rain and the ash skies again. everything is permanent in my mind. only in my mind. and even that will fade 

none of this means anything 

the only thing worth saying right now is i love you and things get better 

this is for the little girl who does not know that she is a storm

you are stronger than me and you mean everything to me

hope you're all ok

yours truly, 

miss black eyeliner