about my mental health

if you're reading this, hello :3 

i'm trying to find new outlets to rant about how shit i've been feeling so i don't keep annoying my friends, so that's what this is.

(warning - this gets fairly dark)

i go through highs and lows, much like anyone else, but this low is lower than previous lows. when i feel like absolute shit, i get so frustrated by the little things. it also happens to be when the little things increase in number. usually i just break down in tears once enough of the little things have built up, but that's it. i'll get so angry at myself but i'm in no way a violent person. like at all. like i feel bad disturbing anything in the slightest. i feel bad if i hit my brother a little harder than i meant to despite him going full ham on me (he is a violent person). 

yesterday i broke down crying over my laptop lagging and not turning on properly, slamming the lid shut and kicking it across the bed. the kicking was new. something else that was new was that i wasn't just crying. i started screaming. full on bawling, screaming at the top of my lungs. i was hitting the back of my head against my metal headboard. i'm always a silent crier. always. it was probably the liberation of having no one who could hear me cry that let me just let it out so effortlessly. this whole thing surprised me. it felt like a new low, the head hitting and the screaming especially. which probably isn't that big a deal compared to what other people go through. but that's part of the problem.

i have autism and adhd. the constant conflict between them is a battle i don't have the strength to endure. so i just let things build up until i break down, like i did yesterday. it's insanely mentally draining. it stops me from doing anything. it's what i blame for all my problems, despite that being unhealthy to do. but i don't care about my health. which also leads me to breaking down. and it's a constant cycle of just not caring for myself, not learning how to cope, not knowing how to reach out for help. i'm stuck in this cycle. i'm stuck in this life. i don't have a life goal. i dropped out of uni twice because i was letting executive dysfunction win. i'm now 23, never worked, never completed my education, no passions or interests (other than two guys in a band that make music about mental health for me to cry to, or two gay youtubers who's gayness is a temporary escape for me) not knowing what i want to do with my life, and wallowing in self pity about it all. oh boo hoo life sucks. might as well end it all. kill myself. why not?

because despite me not having a clue what to do, in a country that is more obsessed with gaining endless wealth than establishing better resources for its own civilians, i have a mother. i have a brother and a sister. i have cousins, aunties, uncles, all going through their own stuff, and adding more pain onto them is unthinkable to me. after all the shit my mum has gone through, the last thing she needs is her daughter fucking killing herself. or even trying to kill herself. she blames herself enough as it is. if i killed myself, i'd kill her too. 

so here i am, trapped in this endless, lifeless, mindless cycle. sat in bed day in, day out, drawing crappy drawings of my favourite band or just spending all day watching comfort youtubers. for what? what am i surviving for? what is all this leading to? what's next for me? i don't know. i don't have a fucking clue. i'm too poor for therapy. i feel as though i'm too autistic to get a job. i'm too adhd (?) to go back to school. i do nothing but come up with excuses. i always say i don't know how to ask for help. if you're reading this, please know that every time i say i don't know how to ask for help is me saying i need help. i'm begging, pleading, someone do something. i can't do this myself and i don't know what "this" is. i can't figure out if i'm just being dramatic and it's something i need to fix, or something that is legitimately an issue that is not my fault. i fucking hate having autism. why can't anything be clear? 

oops, that got dark. if anyone at all has read all this crap, i'm sorry. this is just what goes through my mind daily and i wasn't sure how to express this to anyone. so i made a dumb blog post no one will read and the attention i crave will never come and this cycle will just keep going. just like it always has.