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‘For the mystery of human existence is not in living only, but in what to live for. Without a firm idea of what to live for, man will not agree to live and would sooner exterminate himself than remain on earth, even if there were bread all around him.’
- F. M. Dostoevsky.
September began similar to the Russian offensive at Tannenberg in 1914. Initial successes on all fronts soon turned into crushing defeat and stagnation. I do not understand how to move forward, what forces must stir my soul to start doing something. I have lost everything that somehow kept me interested in life. Like Rennenkampff, who followed the retreating Germans to the Rhine, haste and self-confidence lured him into the arms of the superior forces of the Kaiser's army. Su1c1de? He considered it the only way to wash away his shame. But it is inappropriate to talk about it here, on a completely different battlefield, which is no less disturbing to me. I have tried to organise my being, to distribute duties among invisible internal subordinates, but everything is quickly forgotten, goal-setting as such has long outlived itself in my life, the last time I was set on a victorious end was back in January, when my relationship with my ex-girlfriend began.
Now I have no goal or girlfriend left, just a mean loneliness and procrastination that consumes me like the Verdun meat grinder. I try to find some inner urges, motives, slogans, proclamations and manifestos of the soul, but I find nothing inside. Everything has become meaningless, as if the very essence of being has become meaningless. More and more often I think about signing a contract and running away from everything I hold dear, to the war. Honestly, not even out of a desire to get rich or become a hero, but just to die, like one of my distant relatives during World War II, Pavel, who was never found in a mass grave in Russia. I feel like a machine rather than a living being, which only does what it does, responding algorithmically to the usual external stimuli, without showing any initiative or excessive freedom, just dusting in the walls of the dormitory, waiting for something I don't know myself. How many things I should do, but I can't get my hands up at all, I've started to forget who I am, that I'm a future historian after all, I've fallen into some kind of cultural crisis from which I can't get out.
I am so damn lonely in this bottomless country like Russia, look in any direction and you will see nothing but Russian fields and fields, forests and forests, a couple of hills and swamps. This monotonous landscape was described with such disgust by Custine, a French visitor in 1853. And now, with each passing year, I am becoming satiated with these views, and I miss the distant landscapes of Europe and North America, where I am unlikely to find myself. The sun treacherously illuminates the room I am in, but I will not go out into its rays with open arms, I will wait for darkness, like a stunted old vampire whose eyes water at the sight of the weak sunlight.
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𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚛
Loneliness is usually overwhelming, human beings are sociable beings. But from my ambiguous experience sometimes it is there to proclaim a change in us, transform our thinking and our goals in life. In solitude we can find company with ourselves, it gives us a time for internal reflection, it is up to us to choose if we use it for "evil" or not.
Loneliness and silence can be both beautiful and overwhelming, I prefer to describe it as a time of discernment. And, referring to not having objectives, obviously we will not be the same as the day before, we will have a constant change of person, my self from yesterday will not be the same as my self from the present because every day one learns something different.
I simply don't want to continue chatting about idiotic things, I hope you get better soon and, remember, not everything lasts forever.
In a way, you're actually right. Loneliness opens doors of opportunity for self-exploration and reflection. Sometimes, people really need to be alone to realise certain things or to look at past episodes objectively in order to evaluate them accordingly.
To be honest, I don't agree that we change from day to day. Some people live their whole lives in certain confined environments, often with people who are below them intellectually, not a jab at them. I myself have witnessed the same people, for decades, remain unchanged, exactly the same. The only people who change are those who learn something new and study every day, while those who stand apart from this do not discover anything new. Such people are isolated in their own little world, like in a cocoon. And nothing can get them out of it. And I say this with full confidence and on the basis of my own experience of observing such people, who are my own parents and relatives.
And you don't have to call these things idiotic. Just because you're convinced of something doesn't mean it's true. Arguing about things has been going on since man acquired the ability to think logically and purposefully. Many people, including myself for example, believe that humans evolved from hominids, as indicated by archaeological evidence. But there are people who believe that humans were created in the image and likeness of God, for which there is no evidence except the Bible. In any question, no matter how ‘idiotic’ it is, there is always room for discourse and discussion. What we now tend to refer to as idiocy, in ancient times was quite an appropriate topic for discussion between such luminaries as Aristotle, Plato, Democritus, Hesiod and others.
Thanks for the encouragement, all in good time.
by Aleksey Melnikov; ; Report