EDIT: he read it. Today he confronted me at school after me running away and hiding from him for two days. He seemed pissed off and distraught. I’m trying my best not to care. It’s easy, and a part of me feels slightly disturbed with my indifference.
Public— since I need to scream into a sort of void and KNOW I’m being heard, by at least someone.
Warning— this is a kind of vent, and it has me especially being talked about in a negative light. I was such an asshole to this guy, and I’m not afraid to be honest about it.
It’s not official, but I’m sure he got the message.
A day or more back, I had blocked him on Discord, Steam, and iMessage, after I found out he unfriended me on Discord. That should been enough to drive home the point, but looking back it was extremely petty and harsh of me.
It’s not the first time I was petty, though. But it typically wasn’t being petty to him, but my best friend who knows I tend to be petty, but given time I’ll be back to normal in a flash.
I’ll call him Day— Day and I used to be boyfriend-girlfriend. I’ve known him since 5th grade and I started dating him in 7th grade. We’d hold hands, and hug, and I’d walk home with him… usually at the end of those walks we’d kiss and stuff… basic boyfriend-girlfriend things, yeah. But as of late I’ve found myself being constantly annoyed by him.
Scythe Hakurei? Being annoyed by his boyfriend? But here’s the thing— I’m annoyed easily when it comes to anyone. It’s not an exclusively him thing.
But I can’t even say he didn’t make it easy to not be annoyed. Typically he’d hate on the things I like since most of what I’m interested in, is from Japan. And for some reason he likes to make jokes about Hiroshima and Nagasaki causing the creation of all those things I like because of “the radiation.” I know he was joking but it got on my damn nerves, how I couldn’t enjoy my things without constantly hearing him call it gay or whatever… when I’d do the same with him, typically occasionally and lightheartedly… he’d be just as annoyed as I was. And he’d actually seem hurt, while most the time I just find myself getting annoyed, but that’s all.
He tends to make a ton of sexual jokes too, and at one point I told him to stop. Multiple occasions. It’s not that I was so uncomfortable to the point where it unsettled me— I’m the one making them too. But he did it so often, it just really ticked me off. He still did it anyways.
Talking to him never felt like something I wanted to do, and it was more like a chore than anything else— before all of this, too. Mainly because I never understood what he was talking about, because he was big into history and war games, while I was into… not history, and mostly not war games. And it was usually him talking too. I’d usually put an opinion in, or commentary to show I was paying attention, but it was usually so damn annoying… and, I know it’s a bad thing, but I tended to ghost him sometimes.
I remember he would comfort me sometimes, though. I remember there was a period of time when the relationship was kind of getting started, where regular conversations would devolve into an argument. Those arguments would always be like…
H.S. Hakurei: “I’m not a good girlfriend for you, I can’t do ANYTHING for you… why do you even stick around when I’m so damn useless?!”
And then Day would say something about how he wouldn’t have it any other way and that he’d never want to leave me… I appreciate that. I appreciated that a lot back then, as much as I hated him for “being so stupid,” whenever he said he wanted to stick with me.
I don’t think I’ve done anything good like that for him. The best I did, I remember was me reassuring him that he’ll be able to enlist in the military when he’s older. Once he was upset that he had glasses, and he said something about some kind of sight requirement for the military. He was upset that his vision was already bad enough to need glasses. I told him that in the future, he could get contacts or eye surgery, and I’m glad to have been able to reassure him. But that’s the only time in my memory that I was able to be like him, for him who was like me, in that moment.
Quite frankly, I’ve only hurt him. Hurt him more than I can heal, and in a way I feel bad. I feel bad that he still wants to put up with it even with how much of a shitty girlfriend I was to him.
I remember the day I spilled it to him during nutrition break: I dropped the bombshell that I got some screenshots from my friend, who got them from his friend, that show him saying that he liked me and that I was pretty… and stuff. I told him about that. And how I didn’t like him back. It was so… blunt, so cold and… even my dad agreed. I could’ve let him down softly.
Bud I didn’t. And I did something so much worse— which was torment him in the days that followed his rejection he couldn’t even psyche himself up for. I literally bullied him verbally, broke him down a little, and I didn’t even care. I thought it was all fun— I thought I was being cool. I wasn’t. I really wasn’t.
And I knew him, I knew he had some kind of trauma from the past— and I didn’t even know where. And I completely disregarded that to have my little main character moment.
What really rubs the salt into the wound is, well, after a hiatus of beating this guy down mentally, I decided it would be funny to toy with him some more— being real affectionate with him at lunch and asking for a hug from him every day. THAT WAS WORSE. I could’ve stopped there, I know, I should’ve— but I thought it was a good idea to COMMIT.
And it lead to me thinking, after many days of doing all of that, even holding his hand sometimes, I thought. I thought, I really did, that I liked him.
I didn’t.
I never really felt a kind of excitement for whenever he texted me.
Sometimes I dreaded being around him, and found him annoying at some points. Hell, once I even tried to hide from him by running to the library, but he followed me in.
We never called, and when we did it was always so damn awkward and quiet. He even ended up playing TF2 on-call as I just sat there.
I never felt any… feelings, you could put it like that. I remember seeing similarities between someone I talked to briefly on my old SpaceHey account, and my best friend, when it came to their crushes. They both seemed obsessed with their interest, always loved to talk to them, and… well— like, I never felt that at all. Never had the typical excitement and rush for whenever Day interacted with me.
I was scared initially, to tell him I wanted to call the relationship quits, directly. He says he relies on me, says I’m why he’s still alive, and I was scared that if I said I wanted to break up, he’d do something rash and… he’d never be seen again. I didn’t want that for him, or for my conscience. But then I was rash, when he unfriended me on Discord, and I think I’ve pushed the envelope too far.
I was even going to go as far as giving him an envelope on Friday. A break-up letter. But I don’t think it’ll happen now— as I think he gets it all now.
I used to IDOLIZE Day, in the way that I’ve always wanted to be him. I wanted to be confident around strangers. I wanted to be real damn smart. I wanted to be quick and athletic like he was. I wanted to be… so much like him.
Now I just hate him.
I’m so damn sorry for Day. I’m so damn sorry for him having to put up with my petty, overreactive, rash bullshit. So damn sorry for him having to put up with all of the pain I’ve inflicted upon his already-hurting mind. Maybe we were both in the wrong, that’s what I’ve gotten from myself at least. But I know damn well I was much worse. I was the monster here, and yet he needed me to keep going.
I hope he knows he doesn’t need anyone else to live. I hope he realizes his life doesn’t need to depend on one selfish asshole to have meaning.
I shouldn’t have asked if we could really be boyfriend-girlfriend. I shouldn’t have been all that touchy with him. I shouldn’t have been thinking like this at all, and I wish I never had my first kiss with him. I think the worst thing about that last part was that he did it for a bunch of fucking quarters from one of his band classmates.
I wasted a major bunch of firsts on someone I didn’t care for as much. Who let me do all of this? I’m 13 for god’s sake— I shouldn’t HAVE a fucking boyfriend right now. I’m stupid, emotionally immature, and I couldn’t handle Day when he was at his worst because I’m a terrible person when it comes to everything and anything.
Why did he stick around when he knew I couldn’t provide the things he really needed…?
I don’t know how to end this correctly, so… I’ll end it here before it gets any longer— I’m sorry. This was all a rant, or some sort.
Comments
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SeaStar⋆。°☆
I know my opinion means nothing, but I think that you should send this to him. It's a very good and easy to understand explanation of your feelings. I'm sorry that you're experiencing such hardship at such a young age. I wish I could say more but I'm not good with words. So I'll just say this, your ability to see and comprehend your faults is something that not even most adults have. I am amazed at how well written this is. I truly wish you the all the happiness that you deserve.
I'm sorry if my message is incoherent. I'm not good at writing.
I’d send this to him, or tell him about at least some things I wrote about here. But the thing is, I’m really scared about doing that. I’m really scared of him sometimes, and this’d be one of him because I really don’t want to hurt his feelings in this way.
Your opinion has substance to me and your comment is completely comprehensible. In a way I’m kind of relieved that someone didn’t berate me like I thought before I posted the blog, so… thanks, I appreciate it ^^
by Scythe Hakurei; ; Report