I want a best friend

All my life I've grown up in a family that moved a lot, and because of that I've never been able to make a long-lasting friendship with anybody because as soon as I got comfortable in an area, I'd have to move again. I have nobody who I'm attached to, and nobody that I feel like I can tell anything to. I don't know, I feel like I'm constantly second-guessing myself and the people I have made friends with. I don't feel like I'm anybody's go to friend, you know? I feel like a back-up friend. I make friends with people who have a long list of people they'd rather hang out with then me. I constantly feel like a placeholder.

I just want to be someone's first choice. I want a person of my own who I can share anything with and know that I can trust them 100%. But, I also want a best friend who will tell me anything and not leave me out. I want a friend who's just mine. Not in a possessive way but in a way that this person sees me as their best friend and I see them as mine. I feel weird and awkward talking to people. I feel like they judge everything I say. Every time I leave my house and go out with people, I come home cringing at all the weird things I said while I was out. Why can't I ever have just normal conversations? Why do I have to be so awkward. I want somebody who understands me and who doesn't constantly make me overthink on whether we're actually friends or not, or if they really like me.

I want someone who likes what I like. I want someone who wants to do the same things I want to do. I want someone with the same sense of humor as me and someone who I don't have to perform for and adopt their personality in order to be liked. I want someone who doesn't make me feel like our friendship is one-sided. I want someone who doesn't make me feel boring or make me feel like the things I like are boring. Everyone around me seems so similar but I feel like the odd one out. My interests aren't even unique, their very generic if you ask me yet I still feel weird. Why can't I just talk like a regular person. Why can't I be more interesting. Why can't I find someone who's just for me.