a final message to her.

dear, dizzy. 

i doubt you’d ever see this. i’m not sure how you’re doing these days. i don’t even know if you’re alive.

but i’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. i haven’t spoken to you in a very long time. i want to say 2022 was the last time we talked, but i wish it wasn’t.

i made a lot of new friends since 2020, and i love them all. but i’m glad you were there for me during quarantine. most of my real life friends didn’t talk to me during that time, so having you there was really nice. it was like you were by my side, when in actuality, you were in a completely different state across the us. i remember when i’d stay up all night and talk to you in that silly little voice. i can hardly even do it anymore. 

as my 17th birthday nears, i can’t help but think back to 4 years ago, when i was only 13, and in the ventiffin server’s voice chat all the time. i remember when random people would tag me and tell me that they loved me, when in reality they only loved the character i played as. despite that, it still made me feel special.

i remember when i revealed to you that i was biologically a girl. you were really shocked, even though i had thought you knew from the beginning. we laughed about it for a bit. then i remember when you posted an appreciation message in the discord. you mentioned how awesome it was that i could do that voice for so long without even taking a break. thats when i felt the most special, because for once someone was praising me and my skills instead of the character i played. that was the last message i reread before i left that dead server for good.

i hated that i confessed to you. i really wish i didn’t. i think we might’ve still talked to this day if i didn’t. i remember becoming really jealous when you got into a relationship with another girl, when i saw you come out as sapphic when i was a trans guy. it made me feel hopeless and pissed off. i was so stupid and removed you on everything. that was a dick move on my end. i really regret it. if i didn’t do that and controlled my emotions, maybe we would still be friends to this day.

i’ll end off this message to you, dizzy, if you’re reading this, with a quote from an anime i’ve been watching lately: nana. i’m sure you know it already though…

“hey hachi, no matter how much or how often people hurt each other, loving someone is never a waste. that love letter you left for me back then, i still cherish it,” - nana osaki.

from, that weird kid who had a crush on you in the ventiffin server. 

from, xiao. 

from, me. the real me.