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Category: Life

venting (TwT)

I had vented by writing, but I wrote it as a book, so I wanted to share it HAHAHAHA

It was March 23rd, that day something changed, something new came to me, a friend that we will call D was a new boy in my class, he seemed interesting to me since I had not seen anyone like him before. He was very different from my other male classmates, he was quieter, calmer, although everyone called him “weird” and “depressive”. That was what caught my attention the most. I decided to become his first friend to get to know a little about him. I am someone who always loves to follow his curiosity and make new friends. During that day we talked for long periods of time and we got closer. That day was one of my biggest mistakes. That March 23rd that I adored so much before, now I hate and despise with all my being. Why did I have to get closer? Why did I have to be his friend? As the weeks went by, that “wanting friendship” turned into attraction towards him. My curiosity gained more and more, leading me to confuse “love” with “friendship”. I don't really remember when we started dating. I only remember one day seeing him more nervous than usual and saying to me between stammers, "I'm interested in you." I was expecting a more direct confession, but from the little I knew about him, I settled for that. Time went by and little by little I thought things were going well, but it was the opposite. Dalyan was always someone too depressed and negative, and that consumed me without me realizing it. Little by little he began to open up to me and I liked that, but I also began to get depressed with even the smallest thing.My energy and my “light”, always so bright and cheerful, were slowly starting to fade. I was starting to think that I was worthless, that I wasn’t good enough for him, that he deserved something better than me. I was starting to despise myself, I was disgusted by my body and my existence itself. I felt desolate and empty. Without support from anyone, D already had his problems, so I didn’t want to tell him mine, but he didn’t show any interest in me and my things either. So I stupidly decided to do the same. I started to act with him the way he did with me. If he showed even a little bit of love, I would do it, but that never happened. It was only 2 or 3 months like that, but it felt like an eternity to me, like when you see a withered leaf, you know that at any moment it will fall, and you just watch it waiting for it to pass… Something I will always remember was the first time I saw D jealous.He had shown me many times that he wasn't and I liked that, until that day. After being together for 2 or 3 months, I didn't feel the same anymore, I didn't feel like his girlfriend, but rather his trash and tears dump. That day I had arrived a little late to my morning class, but I had time to say hello to a long-time friend. What I didn't expect was D's behavior. The whole morning he showed a "victim" attitude towards me and saying that I hurt him by talking to a friend. The morning was one of the longest, until noon when I exploded with rage and sadness telling him how I felt and that I couldn't go on like this. I still remember how his tears looked when he heard the simple words: "We're over, this isn't good for you or me." He cried a lot that day, I remember it very well. I thought it would just stay there, like a "passing romance" that was never going to work, until he started to push my own friends away from me.I don’t know what exactly he told them about me, I only knew that I had been left as “the bad guy” in the story for wanting to take care of my own mental health, which was deteriorating over time. Something I do remember very well was the “game” insults my friends would call me for breaking up with him, leaving me completely alone and with no one to support me. Even K (a best friend) had left me for someone she had only met 2 months ago, leaving me, someone she has known for 5 years, alone. According to her, it is because “he needs more help” and because he is “worse off than me.” Currently, things are the same.


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