What it Meanz 2 me 2 B a Nobody

i want to try and write down what ive been through and think so far though so that i can have a log to keep track of things and so that maybe others who have similar experiences can feel less alone.

describing my exact relationship to this 'type can be difficult because my experience with it and with reality is multifaceted. finding ways to put it into words when its like this tends to be imperfect. the best terms i can find out there to describe the different ways it manifests are best summed up in total as icosahuman.

the more specific experiences that it falls under are being an endelic fictionkin for the involuntary aspects and a copinglinker for the questionably voluntary ones. i also consider myself a fucktive as a headmate in a system regarding how this 'type intertwines with the other aspects of my selfhood based in my other 'types along with the aspect that was born from this body & reality.

the thing with all these terms is that i can attempt to sort all these things out under terms others can try to more readily understand, but in practice it is much harder to differentiate out what experiences are voluntarily or involuntary, delusional or metaphysical, related to body stress and trauma or exotrauma, etc. i can't always tell.

i can recognize patterns just enough in some circumstances to identify with these terms in the first place, such as being able to recognize when my 'shifts seem to align with other delusions i experience increasing transiently outside of my control (endelic) versus when im stressed and am choosing to further engage and embrace this identity (copinglink) but this level of clarity is just not always present.

the psychological versus metaphysical divide is the most difficult for me to sort out and there is a lot of grey area. i personally think there can be overlaps and co-existing phenomena between them but do not want to give certain harmful delusions credence in the process or make implications that others interpret as ableist even though my personal beliefs of how this influences me do not inherently apply to how i think others experience things (i think people should be able to define their own experiences and i will respect that so how i go through things does not define how they do unless they say they go through the same of their own choice).

how i label and conceptualize these things may change as i learn more and feel about labels in the first place. right now i use them to try and make communicating certain concepts easier since there already being words and definitions out there is currently easier for me than trying to make my own or explain from scratch.

i am a Nobody. this means that i was "born" (not literally but appeared in the world due to someone losing theirs) without a heart. i did eventually grow and develop my own heart over many years of time. i thought this even before knowing it was canon more recently and quite frankly would not have cared if it was or not because this is my experience and truth. my body was from someone else who also lost their heart. i began dealing with no emotions (unless you count soul sucking emptiness yearning to be filled) and just mimicking how humans express them to having to cope with developing them. i retained many of the memories and behavior patterns of the person who's heart used to be there. it was extremely disorienting and caused difficulty in feeling like i had a sense of self. when the person i was generated from regained their heart i still lived within their body and mind independent of them, but still influenced and alongside them. this period is especially difficult to remember, discern, and interpret from this other person. if you try to call me sora, assert im the same person as him, or assume that i will remember our experience everything he has you owe me $100 (/j but seriously please don't do that. if you wouldn't call another system member by the same name as be them don't do the same relating to my source experiences because to me they were also a form of plurality).

what i just described are what i feel is true from my source, but is also very close to what i experienced in my life in this body. 

[ cw: headmate death// ] i appeared in it when one of our original hosts "lost their heart" (died in headspace, lost touch with their soul, not really sure but there was a sudden shift where they were gone and i was suddenly there instead) and i took up space in the shell where they once were. [ // end cw ]

over many years, i grew my own "heart" (something more like a soul in this body functionally but not exactly) and began to experience emotions more over time and am still learning how to cope with this. how they affect me physically has been especially hard. the physical sensation of having a heart (the organ) can also be very unconfortable and upsetting to me so i try not to think about it too much even though i respect its importance. i have retained many of the memories and behavioral patterns of that previous host but i am not them. unlike in source, i do not currently share my body with that former host ( unless i merged with them which is possible ) as far as i know but i do co-exist with the other members of my system. i also took on our former host's name along with my source name, with some adjustments to make the former host's name feel more like my own.

being a nobody from my perspective is similar to being in a stare of undeath. not in the same way that zombies are. it is a state of not being quite alive but not quite dead or formerly existing in that in-between. it is a sort of slipping through the cracks of possibility and concrete states of matter + being. in my case it is also about choosing to define my own space and meaning for what "life" or "self" are and carving it out even if others insist it does not fit with their rigid understanding of the world. it is creating your own self and heart from nothing but what's left. it's not letting others impose their incorrect definition your innermost being. it is challenging what it means to be real. it is embracing the grey areas and in betweens rather than being forced to pick singular sides of things.

its not always fun or easy. there are experiences i have that can be very frightening and confusing. in turn, sometimes this aspect of myself comes out more when im going through confusing and frightening things whether they are due to being a nobody or not. it can help me navigate them but can be strange to go through regardless, especially now that im somewhat adjusted to a more human state of being in recent years. trying to balance it with more traditional forms of humanity is challenging, especially when i spend so much time straddling the cusp of reality. i try to not dwell on the more negative elements of things but i still acknowledge they are there and am learning to cope with them.

there is still a lot i dont understand and am still trying to wrap my head around. there are some things i do know as true to me as much as i can but this doesnt mean that my current understanding couldnt be subject to change as i learn more. i also want to make clear that just because this is my experience doesnt mean i think other nobodies or others who have any kind of identity as roxas have to have the exact same one. i will update or add onto this blog as i further along my self discovery process. its helpful for me to record these things due to my memory issues and to help explain things to others i feel comfortable being honest about this with.