Emotions

Hello,

It has been some time since I have actually made an entry at all. I know I haven't fully come into terms with my trauma. I don't think I will ever have an opportunity to. My mother is still sitting unpunished never going to face the consequences of her actions. It does make me angry and I feel like nothing that has happened to me really matters. if it did then the police would do their job. If I could choose being homeless right now, barely any money vs being scared and trapped in my own home with a lady who vowed her life to protect and love me. The last time that I saw her, a feeling of uneasiness did wash over me but I had to stay strong not just for myself but for the people around me who really cared for me.  My mother is good at pretending and can put on act in 3 seconds. The second time I saw the "mask" slip was the day that I left. They way her dark and insidious eyes scanned me as I walked past her. Whoever she was talking to went silent with her, I felt her eyes burn into me as I walked away upstairs. Her face wasn't loving but the same face she had when I called the police on her when I was 15. I wish I could find the phone call that I made to the police, I am not sure as how I can do that. The sad part is there is one person who basically saw it all but she is too caught up in her selfishness that I don't think she will ever speak up. I don't think people understand how useful her words would be. 

I want to make something clear, I am adopted and even though I am safe at college. I still personally believe that I still belong to my mother. There is no such thing as emancipation in New York. I know my mom is happy that I am "suffering" right now. She knows I barely have any money. But she would rather me be dead than have anything to do with me. I always knew she hated me but she made it quite clear when I was 15 when she attempted to choke me. And when she grabbed me by the shirt and told me to stop trying to turn her daughters against her. The first time I have ever seen the demon that resided in her. I remember when parts of her slipped out when I was little, especially when she was mad and wanted to punish me. I don't care what anyone says, I do consider it to be psychological torture. Like she wanted me to be afraid of the outside world so that I would run back into her arms. I have many stories of some of the cruel things she has done. But I am not sure if I can say it here. But for one thing though I am away from her, I still feel trapped, there are still her presense lurking around whenever I think that I see her.