i discard all feelings, the stars scar my ceilings

24/09/24

and you'll never read this 

i'm sorry for being insensitive. i'm sorry for never thinking before i speak. that's all i can say 

that i'm sorry 

i keep spilling every secret without spilling any secrets at all

and he held her hand and she told him to forget and he swore never to forget and she did not cry. 

what will it take to teach you that there is more than this? and that in your search for the divine you have forgotten the mundane. and you are here for us. the people. nothing else matters except the relationships we form and the things we do for others and the words we say. do you think i'm not looking for god? of course i am. i need something to believe in because i'm looking for someone to blame. but i know that the point of all this is love and life and everything small and everything big. you're supposed to be overwhelmed and underwhelmed and bored and scared and you're supposed to do it together and that's all there is. and you  didn't understand what i was saying and i withheld information and i doubt i'll go out of my way to tell you and you'll hate me so i won't tell you cause i don't want any more arguments and did you know that there's an extra 22 minutes of footage in the international pilot of twin peaks and it's a self contained episode which is so weird cause how confusing would the next episode be if you were watching it in France but anyway i don't know if it will be hard to leave but i wish you had taken what i had said to heart. 

don't let your faith in God outweigh your faith in People 

songs to love and die to

i'm cruel for thinking all this but it's not the end of the world. yes things change but you've got so much. don't waste what little time you have left like this. pouring over an issue that is not an issue 

and i'll be the same one day so who am i to judge

i just think i am too detached from these things. it's better being far away. it's less overwhelming and there's something wrong with me. cause why don't i want it the way i'm supposed to want it? i do want it. i'm just colder than i ought to be in September

and everything is an excuse to write and that's what i love but that's not all i have 

i've been so low, yeah i've been so strung out, can you picture this?

in a field of black sheep, you still know you're a black sheep

i deal in absolutes, there is nothing in between

every breath is a performance, i live life to be seen 

if i do it right, maybe the ends are worth the means 

i want rain and i want to be clean and i want to feel something real 

the one you want 

this will be unnerving to watch. i believe him and i think she's caught up in all this. i hope no one gets hurt. i hope no one hurts anyone. i hope i've been mistaken. and i hope she's wrong cause i'd be jealous even though i shouldn't be. i just want to feel like i'm as worthy as other people. cause people like me but people like them more. i just don't want to feel this way for once 

i pray you have enjoyed this self indulgent ramble 

and i hope you're all ok 

yours, 

miss misery