02 | you say no one has ever known you so well, but everytime you touch me i just wonder how she felt.

“ do you see her in the back of your mind ? “

i know. i know i caused the feelings i am experiencing right now through nobody’s fault but my own. i made the choice to ask questions. i made the choice to go looking for that book behind your back and i was the only one who ended up hurt in the end. 

i see her in everything you do. i think about her everyday and i feel like a fucking maniac. retroactive jealousy should be an eligible reason for a lobotomy. i know you don’t love her anymore, you even said it in the book - i know you love me. i know she doesn’t exist to you anymore but two and a half years is a long time. you told me about her on our second date, telling me you were still healing but you wanted me. 

you two had your whole life planned together. she was your first love. you wrote a whole book for her after she left you. your whole family knew her.

how the FUCK am i meant to compete with her? you can tell me she means nothing a million times, that you love me, that i’m all you want but i will forever be in a competitive race with a girl who doesn’t exist anymore.  why do i have to think about her so much? its supposed to be us and us alone. i want you all to myself. tell me i’m the only thing you need to live and ill pretend like i don’t care that you loved her. 

what if i spend my whole life trying to be like her to make you like me more? what if i change my name to sound like hers? what if i dye my hair red and cut it? i bought clothes in her style. i hope you like them. i hope you like me.  please tell me all i am isnt a replacement. please promise i am not just the first thing you could get after her.