its so weird to be ugly

i have this reoccurring problem of being so unattractive that i ruin all the photos i am in. everyone else looks so amazing and then theres me . like a blemish on amidst clear perfect skin . its not even easy to ignore, its like a car crash and you cant look away , only cringe and be thankful its not you.

when i go out in public and people stare at me, for a second i think maybe they think im pretty, so i smile back, only for them to be confronted by the fact they were staring in horror, and have now been found out, so they quickly look away in a disgruntled disgust or their eyes widen and they awkwardly look away just to giggle and make fun of the interaction with whoever their company is. now most of the time i can shake this off, maybe theyre assholes. but when i lay in bed at night and think of their faces it hurts my heart more than id like to admit. 

going back to the photos thing, whenever i am cropped out of a photo i feel a sense of relief chased by a pit in my stomach. thank gosh no one else has to suffer with the sight of me, but now it looks like i was not even there to begin with - adding to the fact that i feel invisible. 

if i want to try to look half decent in a photo, i have to really prepare for it. find some nice lighting, a plain wall or some nice backdrop, and pose for up to an hour taking hundreds of photos until i find one out of the batch that looks a little better than the rest of its competitors.

recently i had a perplexing encounter with another person at my college campus. another student approached me after standing in the nearby area for some time, texting on his phone. he then approached me, told me i was beautiful, but walked off very quickly snickering . this is my first time being told i am beautiful by a stranger, but i also have enough wits about me to understand that he was joking with his friends and the encounter was entirely fabricated for some sick joke. 

it always is a mystery to me how people can be so cruel to one another.