Why do I feel so down and up? yapping

Maybe its the raging hormones. Maybe its a sign of bipolar. (i have high/significant signs according to health profesh) Whatever it is, I cant help but feel really bored of myself. Its like I need to constantly change something or do something stupid to feel anything. Im struggling in school and I dont have the patience to pay attention anymore. Im so behind and I really need help. It sucks cause it feels like im a kid that needs special classes but im so frickin old. Feeling ashamed a lot. 

Im not quite sure with the people ive surrounded myself with. It feels like I can never keep a friend. I try to be positive and say that I want to meet people but thats only true due to the fact that I want something different. something new and exciting. A way to reinvent myself in another persons eyes because ive tainted my friends views of me. Its alright. A person is never perfect but it kinda sucks when you realize you suck. And you are just a horrible and terrible person. the real you. But its also like I have so many personalities - im not really Just silly or just serious and cool. it kinda ruins it. I wish I just had one thing to stick to. I wish I was this fun cool person and always nice and fun and know what to say and never be shy or cringe. Or just be pretty. I wish i was handsome and pretty then things would be so so better. thats the reality. ughhh. bummer. all such a bummer. 

Im also unsure if im able to feel any love or be interested in love. Like romance style. Like boyfriends or Girlfriends. It feels... grey. like the color grey. like its REALLY nice to watch and indulge in romantic media. I like seeing characters kiss and have a happy life and imagine. but imagining myself in it - im like bored. or it doesnt fit. its not like im aromantic or anything but i just want a person or people to come into my life and spice it up a bit. id really like for someone to be interested in me first. unlikely but hoping. always hoping. 

Going back to the people i surround myself with. I only feel like I have one friend. thats good but kinda sucks cause i dont really wanna be around them anymore except that one or two.. how do people have friends or am I just so mean. i get iritated easily and im kind of losing interest in trying to be friendly UGHHHH i just really hate me rn but not like edgy way liek super but i find myself annoying and i find people annoying and i just want to move forward in a way that would benefit me. like actually.

i only hang out with people because i dont want to go home. keeping them around is a bit self destructive but id rather that than being alone in my house with my thoughts. bad.