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The first ever time we met, I thought we would only exchange our drawings with each other and that would be it, but no. That wasn’t just a normal art trade we did; that was the day I met the person I would love so much for 6–7 years straight.
You were so kind to me to even listen to my random ramblings and even to my cringy, sappy shit I say once a month. The way you put up with my weird stuff was so mindful of you, and yet now I can’t help but feel like I only used you for my own entertainment. I was so stupid. The fact that you stayed for that long, for me, for the stupid little shit that can’t keep his trap shut about his mentally troubled Twitter mutuals. How? How did you even do that? If I were you, I would’ve already told him to shut up. I feel so bad now; you got to see me at my best and my worst.
K, you were never the problem; you were never the problem with having religion as your priority; you were never the problem with being uncomfortable with sensitive topics. We were so young, and yet there we were talking about the most vile and heinous things that 12-13 year olds could talk about. (I’m exaggerating on the last part, but you get what I mean.)
Maybe friendships do come to an end, but I didn’t think it would’ve been so sudden, so soon, and so bleak. I miss talking to you for hours on end. I miss having late-night calls with you and your mom interrupting us while talking because I said a curse word. You were always so funny and fun to be with. I miss that. I miss you.
I hate that I sound like an absolute CREEP right now, but I know you know my current intentions. My actions back then were stupid; I understood why you left.
“We shouldn’t see each other for a while.”
Yeah, it has been a year, and I’ve been doing so much better now, like, SO MUCH BETTER. I'm currently going through recovery, like, actual recovery. And honestly, I feel great; I feel like I'm in control again. Even if I still relapse sometimes, I’m making great progress if you ask me! I’m 1 month clean of self-harm. I know that’s not much, but just so you know, I’m also still doing this for you. (I’m also doing this for my own sake; don’t worry.)
I have so many things that I want to tell you when we get to meet again.
Miss you. Xoxo.
-Samuel, june-july 2024
(P.S. I’ve noticed that you are posting less in instagram, i hope your school life is going great! I couldn’t say the same with mine, but it’s better. I’m looking forward to see more of your recent drawings. <3)
You know, I’ve never really seen myself as someone who would take this long to move on. You’ve probably already forgotten about what my favourite fruit is, which is your least favorite. Mangoes. Bitter-sweet. Or was it more sour? No matter how mangoes taste, it’ll always remind me of us and how we acted. I’m no longer sour or bitter from what happened between us; I grew out of that. I only wish to remember our sweetest memories. Talking about sweet memories...
Congratulations on being a runner-up; I’m so proud of you. I haven’t exactly done anything for my own reputation as a student, except if you count winning 2nd place for being the best English speaker in the class of 2023. 2025 is also coming up, I noticed. I can’t believe you’re turning 16 next year; I feel so old. Turning 17 will be so weird, being in between my teenage years and adulthood. I’m not ready, but you obviously are. Honestly, at the time, I thought it was a little stupid that you were so ready to become an adult. It was also stupid of me to think that’s stupid because now I just don’t want to grow up; I don’t even want to turn 17. I still feel like I'm 14 despite having such risque language. I’ve realised how horrible my language was when I was younger because of that, but can you really blame me? I used to be in an environment where I couldn't help but hate everyone except you. I had to take out all of that pent anger and energy somehow. I'm sorry for that; I'm truly am. If I had to write "I'm sorry" in every language, then I would.
You were as hard as the clouds above us, and I was as soft as the ragged ground beneath us. I threw rocks at you, and you somehow instead threw cotton balls back at me. I don't understand how you tolerated me back then; I really don't and I never will. I was a little monster. I constantly oversexualized myself to you even though I knew you weren't exactly comfortable with that, and I have done so many more things that made you uncomfortable, like, so many things. At the time, I obviously didn't know; unless you told me, I understood that fully back then, but I clearly couldn't learn my lesson. I cannot even think about those memories without getting a little nauseous. I hope you forgive me for what I have done, but I clearly don't expect you to actually forgive me.
A little warning for you: I’m going to tell you the things I might’ve never told you before, which consist of grooming and cocsa (child-on-child sexual assault). Please skip this whole paragraph if you’re not ready to read it, K. I’m serious.
I don't even know what I have told you and what I haven't anymore; it has only been a year, and my memories are already fading. I don't like that. I might've never told you how in my 16 years of life, I have gotten groomed three times; the most recent case was only a few months ago. Once when I was 9-10, once when I was 12, and once when I was 15-16. I'm so sorry for not telling you, unless I already have. That obviously affected me a lot; the way I perceive things is different, and I was groomed to think those things were okay. They were obviously wrong. I hate that I act the way I do; it’s embarrassing, it’s humiliating. I’m actually so glad that I have improved my life ever since I’ve gotten into a better high school. Can you believe that this all happened during elementary and middle school? It was insane; I can’t help but feel a little dumb for falling for their words. But I won’t let my abusers words get into me anymore, for both my and your sake. But I hate to say that that’s not the only reason why I am the way I am. This was mainly in elementary school, where all of our minds and bodies were still developing. Keep in mind that this lasted from 3rd grade to 6th grade. This topic is very sensitive, so please bear with me. At first, my classmates would tease me about how my body was more developed than the other girls in class; at first, I was flattered, but not until they started groping me. While this was happening, I was also getting groomed, so I thought this was normal. I thought that was normal. Please let that sink in. I hope you understand how hard it was for me to understand how serious my situation was. I was only a child, and you were too. I also hope you take all of this information well. I’m so sorry if this is too much to handle in one take. Please take a break from reading this if you desperately need one.
For the past 513 days without you, I have felt many things. I have felt sadness, grief, anger, relief, insecurity, anxiety, and much more. And I somehow made it through without you. Can you believe that? I might’ve thought about suicide multiple times during those 513 days, but I fought my way through that too. I would never sin just so I wouldn’t need to deal with the problems I’ve caused myself. I know this second letter is more emotional than the first one, but I have to let my feelings out; I can’t stay silent anymore.
Well, I wasn’t lying; I feel great now. I feel awesome even. I’ve made new friends; I have also lost some along the way. I have noticed that I can grow distant from someone so fast, and do you know why? It’s because this whole time I’ve been prioritizing to meet you again. That might sound crazy, which it is, but new friendships would never replace what we had back then. It’s true. Now, I’m 3 months clean off of self-harm. I’m so proud of myself, and I hope you’re proud of me too.
Please don’t let me affect your life the way I did last time. We’re both humans, and communicating things is sometimes hard. I’m so glad you spoke up. Please never say that you were the jerk for leaving me; you never were.
I love you; I’ll always do.
-Samuel, Sep 2024
I was not well a few days ago, as you probably could tell. Lol.
I went down into abit of a spiral. I wasn't in a good mental state and I guess the only thing I had in mind is you. I should've kept it all in but I really couldn't stay silent.
Well, I'm okay now. This isn't exactly a 3rd letter, I'm just saying that I'm alright.
-Much love, Samuel, Oct 2024
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