Now Hiring - Expendables Wanted

Have you been down on your luck recently? No one hiring you due to criminal records? Or just having a hard time getting employed? Have you ever wanted the experience of a lifetime? Well, then sign up for Urbanshade's newest position: The Expendable.

Everyone gets hired! No, we're not lying.


Job Outline

You will enter our laboratory, grab the crystal that powers our facility, and bring it back.

Optional Requirements
  • Have your affairs in order
  • Be fast and agile
  • Be scared of nothing


Want to sign up? Message us!

By applying for this position, you automatically waive you and your family's rights to sue Urbanshade Inc. in case of injury or death.

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody. No job is being offered.


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George Halidon

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Job Application Document

Applicant Name: George Halidon
Position Applied For: Expendable Operative
Company: Urbanshade: Hadal Division
Application Date: January 5, 2025

Personal Information:

Current Address: Hiding in an undisclosed location, constantly on the move
Contact Number: Encrypted burner phone - Number will be provided upon request

Professional Summary:

Versatile and resourceful operative with extensive experience in espionage across industrial, political, and corporate sectors. Skilled in gathering intelligence, managing covert operations, and executing high-stakes missions under duress.
Proficient in advanced counter-surveillance techniques, asset infiltration, and information extraction.

Education:

Bachelor of Science in Information Technology
University of [Classified University Name], United Kingdom

Specialized Training in Espionage and Covert Operations
[Classified training program name]


Relevant Experience:

Freelance Intelligence Consultant
[Various classified clients] | [2015 - 2023]

Successfully conducted espionage operations for multiple corporate clients, yielding significant competitive advantages.
Developed and executed information-gathering strategies without detection, leveraging cutting-edge technology and psychological manipulation.
Independent Operative
[Classified clients] | [2012 - 2015]

Participated in high-stakes missions involving sensitive corporate and state information.
Collaborated with various classified clients to discreetly collect intelligence while maintaining a low profile in high-risk environments.
Skills:

Expertise in stealth and evasion tactics
Advanced knowledge of surveillance systems and methodologies
Proficient in information technology, hacking, and data encryption
Fluent in multiple languages (including but not limited to English, Russian, and Mandarin)
Exceptional networking abilities within covert circles

Motivation for Applying:

With a unique set of skills and the ability to work anonymously under extreme pressure, I am keenly interested in the expendable operative position at Urbanshade: Hadal Division. I believe that my extensive background in espionage and my capacity for discretion align perfectly with the needs of your organization. As I am currently in hiding due to past involvements with classified clients, the opportunity to operate under a clandestine corporate structure resonates with my current circumstances.

References:

Available upon request; will provide contacts from previous classified clients who can attest to my reliability and operational success while maintaining absolute discretion.

Additional Notes:

George Halidon, age 43 (born 1981).
Willing to relocate quickly and operate under strict confidentiality.
Flexible regarding compensation and terms, given the current need for secure employment.
End of Application

[Confidential - Do Not Distribute]


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StarSprinkle

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sign me up bro


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