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“Hold me tight, can’t leave you behind.”
for the very first time in my life, something is too good for me.
i don’t know what to do.
i’m not used to having things go right for me - from family, school, friends and lovers, my track record doesn’t show much positives. due to this, i became like a feral animal who would dig my claws into anything that smiled at me - which again, lead to more downfalls; a deer mistaking headlights for candles.
And in a weird way, i stopped expecting better things. i just settled for the worse because it was already expected. I found this to be comforting, because well - if im already expecting the worst then it can’t take me by surprise, no? it was easy to stop caring. i knew i was disappointing those around me by becoming a toxic sludge of a woman. I just had no energy. ive felt like a ghost who had the gall to stick around for years.
It was all pointless up until i met someone new. it had been a long, long time since i met someone who i actually wanted to spend time with. interacting with anybody other than maybe two select people felt like a chore, but the boy who worked in the coffee shop with the pretty face and smile and the curly hair that smelled faintly of coffee and his sweat, somehow didn’t. I cant say i wasn’t skeptical at first.
He was too nice, almost. It was almost like he was saying everything i wanted to hear only for my benefit. i found it hard to trust. I didnt understand how someone could speak so fondly of me and mean what they say. But nonetheless, I didnt pull away from it. He was so cute, i quickly found myself craving more of his time and company and becoming more and more interested in him. very, very quickly.
it felt like the feeling you get when you stand up too fast or when you get off of a funfair ride and your legs arent fully adjusted yet. it was a rush from the very start and he felt the same. i could tell he was nervous a lot of the time, i found it adorable - i cant say that i wasnt the same. I was terrified, it had been so long since i felt something like this.
The part that i failed to understand for so long was that it was actually genuine, and that blew my mind. it took a while to believe that i had actually met someone who felt the way i felt for them without ulterior intentions.
After talking for a while, i went to see him - to give it a chance. i initially wasn’t going to go through with it and ive never been more glad of a decision I’ve made than when i decided to get on that bus. he was so shy, it was adorable. i stayed the night and by the end of the next week, we belonged to eachother and it felt right. that was six months ago now, hes been all mine ever since and hes been nothing short of perfect. we live together now. hes at work while i write this. i dont understand how someone can be so flawless, but it makes me panic because i am nothing like that.
i have gotten used to being loved for the most part, but i still feel like a rescue animal - almost threatening to bite a gentle hand constantly. i dont want to hurt him ever, intentionally. but these things ive instilled in my head cause me to do such ridiculous things and i wish i could unlearn all of my poor habits and let us be comfortable with eachother. I adore this boy. please god, please dont let me ruin this.
i need him.
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