I feel alone on a battle field

My mom needs me to pick up groceries and do her errands. Again. Even tho I barely see her every week. Im mega depressed. And I don't see a reason to not sh at this point. I like it. I know people say I can talk to them, and its not that I have a hard time talking to people, maybe i do with my irl friends but I can't tell if I'm working on it or if I'm slowly breaking down inside, I don't know what it is. No matter how many friends I make and how many people say things like sorry for your loss and I hope you feel better and let me talk to them even a bit, even things like blogging here, I still feel relentlessly alone. I feel like the weight of all my responsibilities will always be on my shoulders weighed down by whatever it is I'm feeling and everyone else's problems. It feels like no one will come to help even though I help them a lot. Do I not deserve it? Maybe cuz I'm not employed and cuz I sit in my room doing homework and coding and playing guitar all day I don't deserve any help. If someone could vaccum my floor, or code for me, or fill up my car, water my plants, even just rub my neck and upper back a bit I would cry tears of joy.

Is it sad that I make food for myself and pretend someone is making it for me?

Is it sad that I've been doing that since I was little?

Maybe its just weird.

Maybe I'm just tired.

Maybe I just need to cry with a pillow like I did when I was a kid

Maybe I just need to cry in someone's arms

Maybe I should just explode in someone's stupid fucking arms

Maybe I should kill myself and them for even letting me get that close

I hate myself

I want to kill myself

I wanna scream

I want to hold someone.

God forbid.