18/09/24 manipulative exes

i wanna start dropping some lore for people who are never gonna read it. and if you are reading, good for you. maybe you can laugh with me because if we don't laugh, we'll cry.

this is about my first ex that i was with for about 18 months and i actually broke up with her 4 days before my 20th birthday. 

about 6 weeks before that, we had started fighting. she had just started college and she struggles with change and stress and she always took it out on me. i had absolutely NO backbone so i took it because i loved her.

then there was one day, there was a really bad storm, when she was borderline delirious but still being an absolute cunt (takes one to know one) and she hung up the phone in a rage. not 10 minutes later, she rang me again and she had ridden her bike into the city at 2am, in the mIDDLE OF A STORM, just so i would be worried about her.

i did what anyone would do, be reasonable and tell her to go home so she would be safe. she told me to fuck off, i didn't care about her, she would ring me again tomorrow, blah blah blah. this girl rang me just so i would know that she was potentially in danger because she wanted some fucking attention.

she went home anyways, i stayed on the phone with her, we talked a bit and she recognised the manipulation and narcism, etc. and do you know what she decided to dump on me?

"remember when we first tried having sex and i told you to stop because 'you were getting stressed'? i lied. i was the one actually stressing out but i wanted to protect my pride"

i wish i was joking. this girl used my sexual trauma against me (knowing she was the only person i had ever told) because she didn't want to admit she was nervous. she let me cRY MYSELF TO SLEEP because she was too fucking proud. she let me believe it was all my fault for MONTHS. i believed that i was the reason she wasn't fully fulfilled in the relationship because i couldn't stop having panic attacks everytime things started heating up.

so yeah, since then i haven't been able to be emotionally vulnerable with anybody because i don't want it to be thrown in my face again. i'm so scared of being manipulated again that i don't give people any ammunition. and that, my friends, was one of the things that led to our breakup.