hello world

alright....! this is my very first entry. So hi. I'm going to be treating this like a diary of sorts. There might be a category specifically for diary entries on here that make it so whatever you post is visible only to you, but I'm here to tell you with the indisputability* of someone who has no clue what they're talking about that No there isn't. Anyways, hopefully I can keep at this. I'm going to try really hard to.

I was thinking all day about what I'd say, and now that I'm sitting here typing I feel a little stumped, lol. I was half inspired to do this when I found toby fox's old livejournal on the internet archive. It feels like a lot of people are missing out these days. Now that everything is so centralized, that is.. You don't really hear about anyone having a Blog anymore. They're always on twitter, insta, or, rarely, Tumblr. Websites that are, for the most part, designed for instant gratification through short-form content rather than dialogue. If that makes sense. If it doesn't, just pretend for my sake. I'm getting on in the years... alright!?**

I could just be idealizing the past, or falling victim to nostalgia that I somehow have despite not ever experiencing that era of the internet firsthand, but it seemed like such a fun thing when websites like this were at their prime. Just a little corner of the web that belonged to you, where you could be open (within reason) and not stumbled upon so easily. Everything feels so massive now. It's easy to feel lost. And it's overwhelmed me lately, along with some big life changes. That's the second half of what inspired me. 

I'm on my second week of college now. It's pretty cool, a little scary. Not scary in the fact that I'm far from my family and friends, because in comparison to how far I've REALLY been from some of the people that I care about, it's like a five minute walk rather than an 11 hour drive (But I still do miss them.....). It's more scary in the fact that it marks a new era of me. I'm becoming an adult.. and it doesn't really feel like it. I just feel directionless right now. I guess I really enjoy art, I'm learning music and having fun with it... but what now? What do I do? I always imagined myself knowing when I was younger. I'm scared that I'll end up doing nothing, reaching nobody with my art, living a completely unremarkable life. And I know how dumb all of that is to want! None of it matters. But for some reason it matters to me. I want to make something cool... REAAAALLY bad. But not because I want to be popular. I mean, it's nice to be recognized for the work you put into something, and it's even nicer to know that it's had an effect on people in a positive way, but that can't be the only reason. I want to express myself, I want to do make something personal that will resonate with people and make them laugh or maybe cry. 

It's funny, I would never have admitted this to anyone up until now. I guess I can only get myself to say it if I imagine nobody's watching.. Even though I know at least one person will find this eventually. Admitting to wanting anything has always felt like something selfish to me. And for the longest time that's made me absolutely miserable!! SO I'm making myself change. I'm allowed to care about myself, to like myself, to want to see myself succeed. I'm allowed to want...

...And what I want is to make a COOL COMIC or VIDEO GAME and GET SO RICH I CAN BUY FIFTY CASTLES AND FILL ALL OF THEM WITH YACHTS!!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!!! 

Not really.... Well, maybe I'd at least get ONE castle. 

Anyways. Some friends might end up reading this.. I wonder if they'll be surprised, if I'm different than what they'd imagined of me. If I am, I hope that's okay. And if it's not, whatever dude. You're not invited to my castle. I'm pulling up the solid-gold drawbridge. Good luck getting past the moat filled with endangered Siberian tigers, pal!

Well, what did I do with my day...*** Well, I went to my drawing class and my public speaking class. I wore my jacket, the one I painted spamton onto the back of. I get compliments whenever I wear it,  which is pretty cool. I've made a few friends because of that :)... 

Class was pretty normal. My teacher is great, she reminds me of my old AP lang teacher, who was a total badass. I'm pretty sure I learned the most from her. There's this girl I sit next to who's pretty chatty, and makes jokes at often inappropriate times. I don't mind it. I get it. I remember being similar when I was younger, but it reasonably bugs other people... On my way to my next class, her name came up when a few of my new friends started complaining about people being noisy. One of them (A) said she's got undiagnosed autism, and another (B) replied in a way that implied that that statement was offensive. Then, A called out B on assuming that they was using autism as an insult. It was all pretty lighthearted, and I said "ooh, she got you!" But then I felt bad, because in the back of my mind the worry that B would feel like they were being dogpiled on popped up. I didn't know any of them very well, so I wanted to be considerate. I can't remember exactly what I said, But I think I tried to defend B by saying we all didn't know each other very well (as it's still pretty early on in this quarter), and that it was understandable that they might think A was trying to be insulting. I don't know if that offended A or not. They said "Ok, I was just joking but I love you." And I couldn't read them. The way they said it was odd. I thought about that interaction a lot during my drawing class, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. either way, I hope they didn't imagine that I was trying to say that they WOULD use it as an insult. I could be overthinking it, because after that the conversation went back to normal. They seemed nice. 

After that I hung out with a new friend I made. It's funny, they knew who I was online before they realized we were going to the same school. But it didn't make anything weird! We got along very well and talked the entire time we sat by each other on the bus. Then we got some food together, and talked some more before parting ways. (not too far though, as we live a floor away from each other) 

Anyways, that's all. I guess some goals I'm setting for myself are this:

- Do more art... make comics, short animations, whatever. 

- Practice music!

- Get telling stories again.. I used to love it, and then at some point I lost all confidence in my ability. But I'm going to build it back up :)  It'll be way easier on here, I think.

See you later, whoever's reading! Leave a comment if you want.... Let's be friends maybe?! 

* My computer's autocorrect tells me that this is not a word, and to that I raise it my... hammer, threateningly.

** I wrote this before I re-phrased what I was saying to make it more clear. I didn't feel like deleting it. 

*** I realized this after typing that This is exactly what this old British lady I watch on YouTube always says in her videos. She's very sweet. 

Actually, I did make this last night when I was feeling a little stressed. give it a listen.. ^_^ https://www.beepbox.co/player/#song=9n31s0k8l00e03t2wa7g0ej07r1i0o432T0v1u00f0qo010d04w2h0E0T0v1u00f10n9q802d03w2h0E20900T0v1u00f0qo012d04w2h0E0T2v1u02f10w4qx023bd03w0E0by8w0000000llk00000004h400000004h4h000000p24nCKCzWEwpeGg8XkSnG4td7WwarkR-zDl4t16Ppvf9HZiPhYmjhUcD0AtarbQ3CVHVB439Ri17jBAsLVF9djEyQyYhj9g4D0ArqwbaGU2KGGAzJUg8XdvwE4OUUJ0KlmkbgbBlB2Q2VlpgJ0Jd7WA920HFwF2gFGFuSnA90yyCzRGrbR40CnYmwmwn0e2bR42fNWgA82KC2A92CGD28dd0zKrb_U4hMOah7uxp72EUhxjtfHHw5PhCwYjhAVkRAVkRAVkRAVkRAVkRAVkRAVkRAw0