auuugh [rant/braindump]

how does one like... deal with their brain??? so so so weird to say but like guys i have bipolar depression and autism and a whole bunch of other shit and like. guys . guys what are we doingggggggggg how do i        ? you know? i just think that mental illness is such an interesting thing because it's invisible for most people. you can't see it like a physical illness, so it's easy for me to think to myself "ah, there's nothing wrong with me, i'm just faking it for attention!" i also think it probably isn't normal to be under the impression that i'm just an unlikeable person and my friends hate me .. ? but also i'm literally an afab person and maybe it's just hormones and nothing is actually wrong with me and i've been misdiagnosed. 

i won't go into detail, but being hypersexual and also asexual is interesting methinks . maybe it's because i hate being touched (autism) but also i'm not even fully asexual because anything in theory sounds okay and then in practice someone brushes up against my arm on accident and suddenly i'm going to have a breakdown. 

i think i am probably very annoying most of the time; it's not something i mean to do i just get REALLY excited and i think my annoying personality is probably why people don't like to talk to me outside the internet. because being excited about things is normal on the internet, right, but being super excited and joyous about things irl is obnoxious. 

i had a teacher tell me last week that the people in my class probably hate me and that it's probably because i'm annoying all the time. boy for someone who talks about the MCEE all the time you sure are good at breaking it aren't you lady

i have the tendency to psychoanalyze people on accident. in my brain i think it's because i want to know why people act the way they do. i remember things about people that they don't remember telling me. and maybe they never told me and i just figured it out. i think it's similar to the way that i've known people who have ended up being the biggest fucking freaks(/neg) alive, and i always get a bad feeling about them before they do things to prove it. 

i think i might have wasted my intelligence. i was born and i was doing algebra and calculus with my dad when i was in first grade. and now i'm here and everyone else thinks i'm the biggest fucking idiot that they've ever met in their life. and maybe my personality adds to it, maybe smart people aren't joyous but i'm actually not that joyous i think. when i laugh, i'm usually faking it because what the person said to me objectively was funny but i didn't have it in me to laugh. i think that's kind of sad.

i don't understand why my life is so interesting to other people. i think i can make anything into a story. not in the way where i'm making shit up, but in the way where i can find an interesting tidbit in any situation. anything can be a story. if you treat everything as if it's mundane, everything is boring. but if you treat everything like it's funny, it'll be funny.

anyways. if you could be any vacation, what would you be?

byebye :)