A long time since an update

It's the middle of September now and my wedding is less than a month away (October 15th, 20204). I work at Applebees now and so does my fiance but things have gone down hill there since we got new owners and they didn't have an instate liquor license ready. We have been out of alcohol for a couple months and business is basically nothing. Nobody wants to go to a sports bar with no bar. Everyone is angry and the waitresses aren't making over 50 dollars a night most nights. People who have worked there for years are quitting. It is very stressful.

We are still living with my parents. We have looked at buying houses and property and we are building our credit back up from nothing. Every time we get some money put up something disastrous happens. Lately medical disasters. 

I was rushed to the ER in the middle of the night at the end of July and found out that the pain was caused by a ruptured tube caused by an ectopic pregnancy. I have been an avid believer that I would never have a child even for someone else and I've reached a point in my relationship where I am beginning to think I would. But only with my partner. I still stand on the point that if I was alone or with anyone else that I would rather rip my own internal organs out with my bare hands.

Anyway, the pregnancy and surgery was difficult to get through. I was out of work for two weeks and me and my partner didn't know how to grieve over our lost baby, Aster (a purple flower). I felt very alone and emotional. I was stuck sleeping alone in the living room in a recliner for most of the time and being away from my partner every night really just made things worse for us. He has always wanted to be a father and I know this loss hit him pretty hard. Of course he isn't big on talking about how he feels so it was impossible to know how much it affected him.

Then when I got better, it wasn't even a week before he fell into a really bad psychotic episode that lasted a week. I was the only person to take care of him and we spent it alone at his mother's house boat. He wanted the privacy and it was the only way to calm him down. We missed a lot of work because I wasn't sleeping and my meds had gotten lost. The week this started he spent a few days in a mental hospital for the first time and then had a few days and then the psychotic episode happened for a week. It was horrible to go through. I barely slept because I was scared I would wake up and something awful would have happened. Undiagnosed mental illness is such a difficult thing to go through and I have been trying so hard to help him. We believe it is schitzoaffective disorder but we have to get him tested. But he has no health insurance so we have been surviving off of grants and avoiding the medical bills. 

Anyway, that is a little update. Things will get better and I am looking forward to marrying the person I want to spend the rest of my life with even if he is a little crazy. I love him and I don't mind taking care of him because he deserves to finally have someone in his corner. He is a good man and healing through trauma and mental illness is really common and nothing to be embarrassed about. It is about the time that those schizo disorders start to appear in your life (early 20s) and I'll be by his side through the whole thing. Here's to a long happy marriage to my best friend. I hope he knows he will have a wife in his corner until the day we both die.