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I really was doing better I think. I got a better job finally started to feel like I could go somewhere.

"Then why haven't you left already"

My mom looked like she really meant it.

I never even really wanted to be here anymore. I mean you'd think the hospital trip would be enough to wake them up.

But now we're two years later and nothing has changed.

Especially my feelings of not wanting to be here anymore.

I felt awful when I did it, my bestfriends called me stupid and I was. At the time i had them, my everything

I loved my bestfriends more than I'll ever love myself, and yet one of them can just leave from one day to the next

Like we weren't girls together, like we didn't grow up together

And now I feel like I'm losing the last one I have

I don't want her to be gone but I don't know how to stop it

I just want it back

That feeling that they really did need me, that they really did love me

Or maybe I want it all to stop.

I know I'd hurt my boyfriend 

But I'd probably end up hurting him more by staying