Grief

  Every day is so different. Naturally. I'm finding myself struggling with things that were once so easy now that my dad has passed,

  We all knew it was coming, but I suppose we all want to hold onto the hope of one more day. It's only human. No one actually expects the dreadful call, the terrible news. We all hear it eventually though, no one lives forever after all.

  I'm finding myself relapsing into old patterns conditions, subconsciously. Staying hungry to prevent feeling sick, sleeping all day, letting chores pile up. It's not good, but it's impossible to fight the habits siren song. It's easier to sleep than risk remembering my dad is dead and losing my cool. Random bursts of tears, tightening of the chest, a sick feeling in my stomach. Why go through any of that when I could float on the clouds of my dreams, the nonsense carrying me away from my reality.

 I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I don't want to work anymore, I don't want to do anything. I want to stay home, I don't want to be stuck at work, I want to be somewhere safe and familiar.

 Everything is changing as well, not just my fathers passing, the grief of friendships passing by. It's understandable, but I suppose the changing of all the routines is not helping the adjustment period. My life is moving forward in such a hurry, I just wish I was back in my dads apartment, talking about some sitcom he wants me to watch again. 

 I say this selfishly, because I love my life. I have an amazing support system of friends, siblings, a partner who understands me better than any other human being on this planet. It's just the little things I guess. Regrets I'll never be able to mend. Never coming out to my father. Never hearing him at least try to use my name. Not that I'm keeping it. I've already started moving forward. A new name he'd called me before. Something I can pray he'd have approved of. Guess I'll never know.

 If my father has to die, if time has to move forward, I am guessing the easiest solution is moving forward with it. This is a new chapter.