personal human experience of feeling not much of anything at all

I think I’m just a robotic piece of something who can’t feel anything. Someone who can’t have true and meaningful relationships. I don’t miss people. I don’t fall in love. I don’t find people attractive. I feel some sort of limerence. I know I have to fall in love.

I just need to control myself. In my sophomore year of high school I was constantly pressured by my friends and basically the entire grade to get into a relationship with this autistic kid. I mean, I’m autistic too, but autism affects everyone differently. He takes a while to remember your name. And he doesn’t take no for an answer. Like, he has tried to get with every girl I know. He’s not a player. He just thinks he can get a girlfriend by being nice and walking them around the school building.

He’s sweet. He’d always ask you for permission to kiss you. I did get with him a few times. We had dated for a day when I was in seventh grade and he was in eighth grade respectively. At some point in 2021, I realized I resonated with the aromantic label (lack of romantic attraction). 

I’d get so frustrated having to dodge this kid, Oswald, everywhere around the school. I’d literally have to take different routes to avoid him. Because if I didn’t, he’d come up to me and my friends would constantly tease me.

“Oh, he likes you! You just need to get with him already!”

“Oh, I see you blushing!”

It drove me to a point where I’d get downright nasty. My immature, ugly, selfish, and mean-spirited side would come out. The DARK SIDE. He just couldn’t take no for an answer. I didn’t yell at him. I’m too weak for that. Someone outside of my family yells at me… I’m going to cry and make a fool out of myself. I’d try to use my words to reason with him.

Most of this happened in my sophomore year of high school. Something I will never forget about my best friend was what she told me what happened someday. She was in her home room, a class I wasn’t in to defend myself, and all the kids there were gossiping. Saying I needed to get with Oswald already since he’s obvious he’s in love with me. My best friend stood up for me and said, “Squinchy doesn’t like him! She hates him!” She’s the only friend I had at the time who was on my side.

I think at the end of my sophomore year, I lied to Oswald and said I had met a guy on Snapchat. Just to get him off my back. We came back for my junior year. My friends said it was cruel of me to lie to him like that. Hey, at least he wasn’t going up my back trying to win my affection anymore.

Senior year came by. I barely had any classes with my friends. All the relationships I had with friends who tried to make me get with Oswald faded into obscurity. Maybe it’s a sad thing to admit but I had three friends I can remember from the top of my head lmao. They’re all still my best friends. I actually spent some time with one during summer vacation.

My parents’ divorce finalized in 2021. Yeah. My mom just went her own way. Kinda left my brother and me in the dust. Let my fifteen-year-old brother stop talking to her. I think I got a lot of my avoidant tendencies from her. I don’t know. Just run away from your fucking problems. That’s what I’ve been doing since I was eleven. I’ll probably never have kids. I could never do what my mom did to me and abandon them. Doesn’t matter if they’re just three years shy of being a legal adult.

My dad started bringing home women toward the end of 2021. Four different women, and he ended up marrying the last one. Yeah. I called them the “Girlfriend Trials” when he and this woman were still together. I just thought it was fucked up that he brought home women and got them accustomed to us kids and then went to another one. I really liked his last partner. He didn’t like that she called on his bluff so she went farewell. It’s so sad.

My dad really speedran his last relationship. The pair got together in February of last year and were married last September. She just couldn’t deal with our dysfunctional family so she left at the beginning of July. I don’t blame her. Listen, I’m an unreliable narrator here so don’t take everything I say with a grand of salt. We’re all to blame.

I miss this woman’s mom. I loved that woman. She looks just like Maya’s mom from Pen15… Just white. I’ll miss her so much. I’ll miss her presence. I miss what she did for my dad. My dad would still yell at me and reduce me to tears out in public. He’s done that to me since I was a little kid. So I grew a little resentful. I was thinking, there’s all these red flags. Personally if I got with a man with kids, I would bail out if he constantly berated his daughter. Or son. Maybe it’s just a me thing. It’s not all about me. But I’d assume he would start yelling at me in public. I don’t want to be around anyone who makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them.

I sound like a monster when I admit I don’t really miss this woman. It’s not about me. My dad has had five spouses now. She has had three? I just find it so irresponsible that they rushed into marriage so soon. Maybe I’m just going to die alone, because I can’t rush relationships. It’d probably take years for me to develop any feelings. They weren’t married for even a year. I feel like I should miss her. I don’t.

I just need to put my emotions aside and do the right thing. Do things to not make my dad upset. Personally, I think it’s pretty pathetic to you blame all of your problems on your parents and not do anything to change. I wanna change so badly bro. I want to be an independent adult and get away from this place. I know it’ll be a long journey.

When I was younger, I got so caught up on the idea of empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I felt like a monster for not relating to those #empath quotes. Then I remembered Shane Dawson claiming to be an empath in one of his documentaries… I think it was the video he did for his friend who was in a horrific and abusive relationship. If you have to announce you feel basic human emotions (empath)… then maybe there is something up with you.

I think I’m just autistic. I’m trying to learn to understand people because it’s a necessity to survive in this world, yk??? Sorry my posts are all over the place and I’m like “fluent in Yappanese” or whatever. And sorry if my sentences offend you. I’m not trying to victimize myself. Byeeee. It’s 5:24 A.M now.