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does anyone else have the feeling of dread, disappointment, and failure, realizing that their teenage years were kinda a waste? like a prequel to a midlife crisis.
this summer, the weight of my age has finally come crashing down to crush me. im 16, 17 in december, and ive done a mediocre job of being a teenager.
i feel even worse now because i keep seeing other people my age enjoying their lives. getting into relationships.. getting their first cars.. getting their first jobs..
it makes me feel guilty, reflecting on myself. i have a hard time opening up to others, and i feel like ive lost a manual that everyone else has on how to properly talk and connect with others. i think to myself, time and time again, what is wrong with me?
i want nothing more than to be able to connect with others, but fail everytime i try.
as a result, i retreat into my shell. i've spent long summers shut inside, escaping into video games, books, and music. all the while constantly hating myself for doing so. im wasting the best years of my life away, but do i have a choice?
i have no friends that'd want to hang out with me, nor really anywhere else to go by myself without feeling extremely self conscious.
i hate it, but im too scared to change. rejection is my worst fear.
anyways, sorry for being all mopey on here. i just needed somewhere to get my thoughts out.
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DustZ
i think i had that when i was like 13 and i was doing horribly and i was a zombie for a while but i'm over it now. idk, i'm doing what i can. there was a lot i couldn't do and can't do. it's not my fault. i do have friends now, which i'm grateful for, and all i can say is that i hope you can make good friends one day. i can't attribute my friendships now to anything but luck. not having friends all through middle school & freshman year fucked me up, like constricted my brain, like a plant growing under a rock or something it stunted me. it was like i had no personality outside of my head and every interaction with everyone was anxious and uncomfortable. you know how in some online, usually mobile games, they'll have stuff like; "add 5 friends to unlock this" ...???... yeah if you have friends you unlock stuff.. in your brain.... i think. that's what it felt like for me idk.
very interesting analogy. i can see how friends can aid your growth, which allows for you to feel more comfortable with yourself. its almost like a positive snowball effect!
ill keep that in mind when i need motivation to actually talk to people, lol.
im so glad you overcame your anxiety, though. it gives me hope that i can do the same.
thanks for commenting, it means a lot.
by david; ; Report