I lied..

that was NOT my last blog entry but it sure was my first (i privated it btw so if u saw it u saw it)🤑

um update im still alive unfortunately, i do believe i deserved to die back then cus i was pretty much a shitty ass person with issues but i think i really changed a lil at least i dont try to hang on to people who obviously cant stand me and know when to stop (not sure about the last part im a bit annoying) but im glad i went through everything though i have regrets as big as the world i still believe everything happens for a reason and dont plan on changing anything and let life lead me wherever, ive come to understand everything is an “in the moment” thing no one really means what they say or plan for the future ‘less theyre that epic of a person (ultra rare) i lost almost all of my friends yet im still here, i lost everything yet im still here, the people and things i thought i couldnt live without seem so silly now, and i cant imagine myself being that big of a hoper knowing things wont end well, and i cant change the way things go so im just taking all the risks i wanna take and doing whatever i want as long as it isnt at the sake of other people’s feelings and you only live once and im not looking forward to the future but just hoping comforts me, ive always been a talker and people say it doesnt bother them at first then they actually get fed up and call me annoying, at first it hurt but now its like meh so what if you wont like me for how i am im not changing myself for you unless i really like you then ur an exception 😓  and for all i know no one could be reading this right now but i believe that as long as i got it off my chest thats what matters if no one’s listening then i believe god is listening, i might not be religious but the thought of a merciful god being up there surely is comforting and really makes you hope for the best, i still dont do anything to the people closest to me who disrespect me and im still a coward and a scaredy cat so that part hasnt changed, im still incredibly sensitive and annoying and im glad people are being more vocal to me about that fact, my life still very much sucks but at least im a tad bit happy i still feel empty and overall depressed but im glad i found it in myself to deal with my problems alone and not make them worse by dumping them on people who have nothing to do with them, at first i thought theres good in people and if they see what youre going through they might reach out to help but i learned they really wont, i saw this quote a few days ago and it goes like “nobody is coming to save you, get up” and i think im gonna go with it from now on, cus no matter how much i treat people well and help them when they need it, they wont do the same for me, so im gonna stop EXPECTING it but i will keep doing what i do for those who really have good in them so idk who u are but if ur having a bad day or need someone to talk to feel free to dm me!! i believe in seeing the good in people no matter what they show of a bad side and for those who have hurt me in the past i forgive but i definitely wont forget and i dont believe in such thing called “revenge” cus people who are ugly and mean on the inside always end up ruining their own lives, i used to blame everything on the people who harmed me but now i see that they all have their own lives and feeling and just overlooked the fact i did too, i try to not care but its almost impossible for me not to, ive tried to but my mind will still wonder about everyone i know or knew and i find it hard to let people go even when theyre awful to me, im willing to put up with it if there’s hope they’ll change, but at last im not responsible for that but i will treat everyone right unless they harmed someone who isnt me, cus im not one to forgive them and actually interact with them, unlike the ones who have harmed me which i have already chosen to forgive i will treat you just as youve never done that or if you arent DOING that and thats why i think people get bored of me cus i never truly get mad at them when i like them and just choose to ignore every bad thing about them, i sometimes think im an awful person for being a liar sometimes. 

but anyways thats all i think if i talk more it would be hella annoying and insufferable of me

REALLY RANDOM POST LOL

i might repost that first blog i posted when i remove the names of the people that hurt me (yes i did name drop and i regret it) or at least i think i did LOL I DONT REMEMBER

‼️BUT ANYWAYS BYE BYE THANKS FOR LISTENING 😎